Birth of an Angel

This day 11 years ago I embarked on a journey that I had no idea the destination I or Alex were headed towards.  Thinking of the person I was so long ago, waiting for my arms to wrap around my first child is hard to imagine. I was so young, inexperienced, naive, innocent and unscathed. My outlook on life was so pure and wholesome. I never really took the time to look at life and really what it was all about.

When I became a mom, I thought my heart was going to leap out of my body.  To see Alex for the first time was like taking a peak into all the goodness and love that heaven has prepared for us.  I had never felt more love for something then I did in that moment.  And I knew Alex loved Cliff and me just as much.  That is the wonderful gift of children and being parents, that ability to change our heart and our lives in a nano second and at any age or time in our life.

I have found it so interesting that the last few years people have had this fascination with recreating memories from the past. You might see bags of potato chips packaged with their old "classic" labels or vintage soda cans or bottles that looked like the did in the 50's.  And more recently, old tv shows or movies are getting "reboots."  I would just roll my eyes when another reboot would come out because in my mind I am thinking, are there just no knew innovative ideas out there?  But as I thought more about it, its not that there are no knew ideas but what people want is to recreate memories and feelings they had years prior.  People want to transfer themselves back to a time when life felt good, innocent, untainted.  The older we get we understand that time slips from our fingertips and never looks back, so I think giving a "rebirth" to the things from our past is about the only way people know how to stop time for a moment.

Today is that day for me, a moment in time that will always stand still.  A time when I can think of Alex's birth and not his liver disease or all of his surgeries or even his death.  On this day, his belly was unscarred, his liver was working and I got to hold him with no thoughts of death or pain.  This is how I want to remember him, in his purest form.  And there is nothing I can do to "reboot" it or recreate it.

Now if we fast forward to the present, there is a reason why 99% of those tv roots or movies don't last long, and why people tend to buy the more modern looking cans of coke and bags of chips.  Because those memories and feelings we have in the past can never be recreated or copied or relived.  Thats what makes them so special.  Now we might have bought those vintage sodas or the "classic" bags of chips once or watched a few episodes of the tv "reboot" or went to the theater to give the revamped movie a try, but at the end of it we realize that we don't need our old memories to be replaced or redirected.  We need them right where they are and our new memories need to encompass our old ones.  Thats how we build, learn and grow.

The birth of the twins was an amazing and healing experience for me and Dayley's birth was like finally being able to close that window that had been stuck for years. And with each experience I have with my kids,  it has never taken away or replaced my memories or experiences with Alex.  I finally realized that all my memories and love and time I get to spend with my 3 kids doesn't take away from my Alex but merely it adds to it.  There is no doubt our family has an empty spot.  We all feel it.  But Alex is there filling those spots everyday with the memories he left behind.

There are no words to ever express my deepest pain or grief but there are also no words to describe how I feel about my son and the angel that he was and is in my life.  Today is hard, its a day that I love and hate.  Its a day that is never the same each year, but at least today is a day both Alex and I have the same memory of what it was like to meet each other for the very first time.  It was magical and even more magical as time goes on.  The love between Alex, Cliff and me is sacred and special and a love that only the three of us share.  Alex is my strength and he is my "classic" memory.  Today is a day that I never want to change or recreate or wish away.  I love Alex for everything that he was and everything that he still is.  I will never wish him back and I will never wish him away.  God gave me Alex and Alex gave me God.  I see God so differently now and my understanding of life is clearer and more directed.  I understand that when God gives us miracles its not because he heard our prayers but because we heard his! Alex is where he is because he is greater then I could ever imagine.  I always wanted a child who could change the world but I never understood that the world that needed changing was my own.

Happy Birthday Alex, and I hope you are able to celebrate your life with all those family and friends who love you both in heaven and earth.

WHAT WE AINT GOT

As I have pondered what to say on Alex's angel anniversary, Feb 12, I heard a song on the radio that almost nailed what I was feeling on that infamous day. 9 years ago, I held my baby for the very last time, I whispered in his ear my final words I could ever speak to him on earth. How does a mom reflect on such a day without thinking "I wish I had him back." Actually I WANT him back.  But those thoughts and feelings don't do anyone any good, but for the first time I am not going to apologize for not being ok with Gods will.  I do wish him back, I want all my kids surrounding me.  I want my piece of me returned.  I want my will to be Gods will.  But we all know if that was the case then what would we need God for? We would have it all figured out all on our own.

The song "What we Ain't Got" by Jake Owens sums up what many people in life experience, I dare say most everyone.  Who doesn't want something that they don't have? A woman who can't have kids wants kids, a woman who can't stop having kids, her husband wishes she would;) We have a minivan but want an SUV, Our husband works too hard, or not hard enough.  A mother who gave birth to 4 children but only 3 lived, wants her 4th back. I wish I could say our wants will one day end, but they won't. I wish I could say that if Alex were here with me my world would be complete but would it really? And it wouldn't for one reason, we don't realize what we have until we don't have it anymore. If I have never had to feel the deepest of grief I don't know who or what I would be.  I would like to think a normal everyday mom raising all of her children but I can't say for sure.  I do know that something else would find its way in to cause a void or interruption in my life.  No one is free of errors, trials, struggles, problems, failures and harsh reality. The question is how do we accept and accelerate in life? How do we take those problems of life and turn them into or find a resolution? How do we open the door that has been closed for so long that the thought of what's behind it is so scary we just continue to walk past it daily? I have yet to meet anyone who likes pain and hurt.  So what's the natural thing to do? Avoid and think everyone else has it better. If I only had.....

I bought a memory scrapbook a few weeks after Alex died, with the intentions when I was ready I would fill it. Well it's all still in a box unopened and untouched.  The thought of siting down and filing it with what I have left of him kills me to even think about, and yet my kids have begged me to do scrapbooks so they can look at Alex whenever they want. Why can't I bring myself to do it? Why are we afraid of the unknown reaction, the unknown pain.  Pain is just the gateway to healing and we all want to heal from our wounds and sickness but no one wants to endure the process God has intended to achieve it.

It's my goal that by this time next year on Alex's 10 year anniversary I will have that done. This process of grief doesn't happen over night, or in 5 years 10 years, it's continual, never ending. All of our lives are lived without many resolutions but we can exercise our resilience. God has given us the greatest gift he could and that's the power to heal.  All of us have that power within ourselves to heal from our afflictions whatever they may be.  Sometimes it's physical healing, but in a greater scheme he has given us an agent to help empower us and that's a hope and faith in those things we can't see.  A hope that there is more to this life then we can ever understand and a faith in our Savior who has paved a road that would otherwise be very rocky and painful. When I think of Alex I have no doubts he is supposed to be where he is, loving and teaching those who need him, but I will always want "what I ain't got" but it's up to me to be ok with that. I am ok that I get envious of those families who sit with their 4 kids at church, whose boy is 10 and in 4th grade, who plays soccer and goes on campouts  with his dad.  I am human and I am humble enough to say I don't understand but it's not my time to understand and it's not my purpose.  I know God understands my pain and I know he has tried in hundreds of ways to ease it.  I have accepted some and have probably rejected too many. But he never stops trying.  And I will one day get what I want but it will take lots of time and countless hours of patience.  The best things in life are worth waiting for. 

Those of you who want "what we ain't got" just think of all those things you do have and kiss them, hold them, cherish them, love them, visit them, but most importantly follow him in all things. The only thing we take from this life is our relationships and our memories, so my advice is to make the best of what do got.

WHAT WE AINT GOT (click here)

We all want what we ain't got,
Our favorite doors are always locked.
On a higher hill with a taller top,
We all want what we ain't got.

We ain't happy where we are,
There's greener grass in the neighbors yard.
A bigger house and a faster car,
We ain't happy where we are.

All I want is what I had,
I'll trade it all just to get her (him) back.
She's (he's) moving on, but I guess I'm not
We all want what we ain't got

We all wish it didn't hurt,
When you try your best and it doesn't work.
And goodbye's such a painful word,
We all wish it didn't hurt.

All I want is what I had,
I'd trade it all just to get her (him) back.
She's (he's) moving on, but I guess I'm not.
We all want what we ain't got

I wanted the world until my whole world stopped,
You know a love like that ain't easily forgot.
I guess we all want what we ain't got.
Yeah, we all want what we ain't got.

Who you'd be today

I started writing this post way back on Memorial day but never finished. I guess this post was meant to be shared in honor of Alex's birthday, which was December 18, 2004.  This year marked his big 10.  I thought as time would pass so would the pain and grief I would feel and yet as the saying goes "distance can make the heart grow fonder or make it wander." For me there is no question its "fonder." The distance that has been placed on me and Alex at times seems cruel and at times it feels like nothing.  Was Alex here? Is Alex really gone? These are my most conflicted and tormented questions.  Death and life are two interconnected parts of every existence and yet over the hundreds of millions of years there is only one person who has mastered them both.  I wish I could say I have mastered grief, but I am still a lowly apprentice and a terrible one at that.  Mickie mouse is a better apprentice.

I was struggling for 7 months to find the right words to try and comfort a friend I knew whose husband passed away.  My mind was blank and my pen was still as the words never came.  9 years I have had to find the right words and yet I render speechless. I feel so cheated out of raising my son that sometimes when I see a 10 year old my heart just fills with jealousy and envy.  Why Alex and not them? Why any child? Why me? I used to feel guilty for feeling this way but I decided that I can't be alone in these thoughts.  I can't be the only mother who doesn't find comfort in her child being in heaven and not in her arms, or can I?
I have heard all the things that can be said about better places, where he needs to be and we will understand the meaning of all things someday, and yet those just seem like empty promises, words spoken from people who have no clue, or do they?

None of us are masters of anything because no one will ever obtain perfection.  Some might be closer then others but still not perfect.  Then why do we all try and act like we have the perfect answer or the perfect knowledge or the perfect response?  Why do we feel that there is this perfect way of doing certain things in certain situations?  I think because I am Mormon and since we believe families are eternal and death is not the end, I should just move on and accept death and be at peace.  And I did for many years, just kind of plugged along and accepted it.  Until one day it didn't seem good enough, my pain grew too much and I wasn't okay with what happened, I am not okay with what happened, but it happened.  I had no choice and no vote, or did I? God chose for me and for Alex, or did he?

Now I am not saying all these things to lead anyone to believing I am an atheist or anything.  But I want people to understand that in our lives, our pain and hurt, our joys and happiness mold us into who we are.  Its okay to not understand things and its okay to not be okay.  I have accepted Alex's death a long time ago but I am not happy about it.  I don't rejoice in it.  And for some mothers who have lost a child might have opposing feelings and that is absolutely ok.  If you find peace and comfort in your child or loved one in heaven then I applaud and admire that conviction.  I am certainly glad Alex never had to live a long life of pain and suffering.  I am actually grateful for many things that have come from that experience.  But it still does not change the fact that Alex's birthday was spent with unlit candles and his stocking at Christmas hung empty.

My dad summed it up the best when I talked with him on his birthday. When Alex's spirit left, he took with him a part of mine.  I know he is holding onto that little part of me and waiting to give it back.  I just know and understand that I have much to do and learn before I am ready and prepared to receive it back.

Kenny Chesney released this song "Who You'd be Today" in 2005.  I remember hearing it right before Alex died, I heard it in the car and I just started balling because I knew I was going to face the death of Alex (at that point I didn't know when) and I knew this song was going to somehow have meaning in my life, and well I guess we all know what happened.  I have played this song every birthday and death day since and it never gets easier to listen to and never gets old.
But this last time while listening to the song, instead of trying to envision what Alex would look like, or talk like, or be like, I started to think about who "I" would be today.  Who would I be today without Alex.  Who would I be today without death.  I don't know the answer but I decided I don't want to know. Alex gave me so much more then just awesome smiles and forever hugs.  He gave me a reason to think, to ponder to question.  He gave me a reason to strive to understand and KNOW things I would have never tried to know.  He gave me, ME. That is who I am today, just me.  And I hope after you read or listen to this song you will discover who you are today.  Discover why you are who you are and keep moving forward and recognize that all of our life experiences, good, bad, beautiful and ugly are all part of us.  And all we can do is be the best version of our molded selves and share that with all we come in contact with because I can guarantee, you are you for a reason, for a purpose but most of all for yourself.
 

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go

I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
I still can't believe you're gone

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies?

Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday

 Our last family photo

 Alex's first birthday

Alex being a little stinker because he knew he wasn't supposed to touch the ornaments 

Who You'd be Today

IN MY PLACE

I have been thinking for months about what to write next on this blog. I have enjoyed getting back into writing but really what more can I say about death, sorrow, pain, life, and moving forward? Does anyone really care what I have to say because I don't have any of it figured out? But I started this blog with a purpose and that was to find a place I could be completely honest and a place where my children and others could learn about my life's experiences dealing with death and how you can live thorough it. So here it goes....

There are still so many nights I sit and think about Alex, about how sad I am without him. I think about how much it hurts to look at my three kids and always see an empty space just waiting to be filled. I look at other families that have four kids and I get jealous, mad, sad, lonely, helpless, and confused. Why do they get to keep all of their children? Why do I continuously have to taste this bitter cup? Why did God choose me to battle such an impossible task? Why did I have to say good-bye to such a big part of my heart?

Every time i face a difficult time in life, Alex's death just sits front and center of all that pain. As we have gone through this last year cliff and I have certainly battled many challenges: job changes, travel, health, loneliness, and just life in general.

I wish I could sit here and type the words BUT THROUGH IT ALL GOD WAS WITH ME, but I can't. I don't know if he was.  I am not saying he is not there, but as I have tried to pray and fill my emptiness, my grief, my anger, insecurities, I almost felt more lost.  It was as if the world and my problems got a whole lot bigger.  How can I expect God, creator of all, to snap his fingers and fix me? My reasoning was, he has already asked too much of me so he owes me this.  He owes me! He owes me for giving up Alex, he owes me for not asking everyone to suffer like I have.  I was so mad at him for leaving me here alone, and just watching me slowly suffer silently each day. He must have known how painful it would be for me to continue life without Alex. He knew what it would do to me, and yet he didn't care enough to stop it! Why does he stop for others and not me? I would give anything to have the answers to these timeless questions.  Pain has a way of distorting truth or what we believe to be true. I will forever wonder why my life has been tainted with death. I will forever wonder if I did something to deserve this when millions of mothers never have to face such a loss.  But the truth is none of us truly know why these things happen. Why some face mountains of trials while others don't. The only one who holds these precious answers is waiting for the right moment to reveal them to us. But it's hard to except that we might have to live our entire life never knowing the why's, but at least he has given us the key to the how's.  

As Alex's 10th birthday is approaching I have been wondering if I should go visit his grave. I love that place so much and yet i always get nervous going because I don't know how I am going to react seeing the only physical reminder that he is truly gone from this life. My sister and I have been dying to do a sisters trip. We did one a few years back and had the best time and have yearned to recreate that moment again. We have discussed many options, but then the idea of going to see Alex came up and for my sister it was not even a question. I mean really who wants to visit a grave for a sisters trip, and yet my sister, who has been my rock, the one person who sends me flowers every year for his angel day, the sister who turned right around from her flight after just visiting us when we found out Alex was brain dead, my sister who has a big picture of Alex hanging in her home, never even hesitated and was looking into flights. She has been my best friend has been Gods (how) way of showing me I am not alone. She can't take away the bad things of life, and neither can God, but he can guide us through them. He has systems set in place to help people like me. I have met some pretty amazing people in my life. 

It will always be a process for me to accept the trials I have had to bear.  But through these things I am learning, I hope that I can continuously refine myself. I need to refine my relationship with God, my family, my outlook on life, and my grief.  I don't have any of this stuff figured out and just when I think I might have it, I lose it and have to start all over because this life isn't about "figuring it out" it's about so much more. It's about growing our faith in the things we can't see, it's about building relationships with our family and friends, serving those around us, raising our children in goodness and love, teaching ourselves to be better, to enjoy life to its absolute fullness and to accept the fact that we can do hard things. 

My neighbors whom I adore and feel so blessed to have part of my life, invited me to their church last week and the band sang a Cold Play song, one of my favorites. But it just spoke to me while listening to it. I wish I could have co wrote it with Chris Martin (lead singer) because it 
just adequelty described me at that moment. "In My Place" is a song written for those who have ever felt lost, overwhelmed, confused, alone. I would say most people have at one time or another felt one of these emotions. We all have our place (experiences), and I am sure we have all felt lost in those places. I have. It's so easy to feel lost but how easy is it to feel found? That has been my journey thus far, is to feel that I matter, to feel that my trials aren't a form of punishment but a tool for me to find my way so that I can truly find "My Place" in this life and the next. I hope that all of you, some of you, or even just one of you want to come with me and we can find our places together because at the end of it that's what God intended for us to do. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gnIZ7RMuLpU

In my place, in my place

Were lines that I couldn't change

I was lost,

I was lost, I was lost

Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed

I was lost,

how long must you wait for it?

 how long must you pay for it?

 how long must you wait for it, oh, for it?

I was scared, I was scared

Tired and under-prepared

But I'll wait for it

If you go, if you go

Leave me down here on my own

Then I'll wait for you, yeah.

how long must you wait for it?

 how long must you pay for it?

how long must you wait for it?

Singing

Please, please, please

Come back and sing to me

To me, to me

Come on and sing it out, now, now

Come on and sing it out to me, me

Come back and sing it

In my place, in my place

Were lines that I couldn't change

And I was lost

Ordinary Miracle

It's not that unusual

When everything is beautiful

It's just another

Ordinary miracle today

The sky knows when it's time to snow

Don't need to teach a seed to grow

It's just another

Ordinary miracle today

Life is like a gift, they say

Wrapped up for you everyday

Open up, and find a way

To give some of your own

Isn't it remarkable?

Like everytime a raindrop falls

It's just another

Ordinary miracle today

The birds in winter have their fling

And always make it home by spring

It's just another

Ordinary miracle today

When you wake up everyday

Please don't throw your dreams away

Hold them close to your heart

'Cause we are all a part

Do you want to see a miracle

It seems so exceptional

That things work out after all

It's just another

Ordinary miracle today

The sun comes out and shines so bright

And disappears again at night

It's just another

Ordinary miracle today

Who doesn't love a little Sarah McLachlan? I used to listen to her for hours when I was in high school.  But for some reason over the years I just lost touch with her music until recently.  I came across this song tonight, this was one of my favorites.  Mostly because of the simplicity of the tone, music and words.  As I was concentrating on the lyrics I was pondering on my own "ordinary miracles" of my life.  I don't believe I have ever thought of my life as seeing any kind of miracles.  I tend to focus on those things which I have lost, never had, or will never have.  I can't say that's really a fun way to live.  But it's been extremely difficult for me to retrain myself to not self reflect in that way.  However when we find the strength to look outside of our self, our pain, and our affliction it can be a very enlightening experience.

Alex's life and death has caused me to really evaluate the purpose of life, or more specifically my life.  I will never find the answers to my burning questions of why I had to endure the death of my first born child, why wasn't he meant to stay, why do other children with this disease manage to survive? Why wasn't the miracle of healing granted to him when it's granted to so many others? Our lives are full of unanswered questions.  Sometimes those unanswered questions can be debilitating, frustrating, angering, and often times cause us to feel even more lonely.  

Each of us has our own unique life.  No same two people have the exact same experiences.  In that sense it can make for a lonely existence but if we can truly dig deep within ourselves to find those "ordinary miracles" it helps us to realize our path and life is not lived alone.  The simple miracles of my life are, I have 3 living, beautiful children, a marriage that has been able to survive some unbearable burdens, a chance to know my son: to be there for his first as well as his last breathe. I have an amazing sister who has been my biggest fan and supporter. I possess the knowledge that I am not alone in this life. My list can go on and on.  

The more that I can accept that my life is just ordinary I can try and lift myself out of my unordinary circumstances.  All the troubles, pain, and heartache need to be replaced with gratitude, hope, faith and unfailing love.  I guess the one thing each of us has in common are our possession of "ordinary miracles" and once we can recognize them then we are instantly given the power to carry out our dreams, to live the life that was meant for each of us. Mistakes of course will be made, but we can take comfort in knowing "that things worked out after all." Life is an experience, we get one shot at it, and therefore I am slowly learning to cherish it rather than curse it.  Life truly is a gift "wrapped up for us everyday" and I have finally figured out that the only way I can enjoy my gift is to give myself back to my life.  Please go and find your own "ordinary miracles" and enrich your life and the lives of those around you.

Ordinary Miracle (click link for song)

Have a little faith

A few months ago, I had what some might say "a nervous breakdown." I am not proud of it but I am not above admitting to it either.  Cliff and I decided to move to Denver for a job opportunity we thought was advantageous. The job he had been working in Texas was fine, but we wanted to try and get more west and we always thought it would be awesome to live in Colorado. As Cliff was transitioning out of Texas we had planned for him to work both jobs for a few months. What we thought was only going to be a 1-2 month commute turned out to be more like 7. And to make matters worse the job he had here pretty much reared that it was not a good fit for Cliff, so he was spending weeks in Texas while the family and I lived in CO for really no reason (he quit is CO job). Living in Colorado was great, but living without a husband and uncertain future not so much.  When December hit, I believe my threshold of enduring trials came to an ugly head.  I was dealing with some awful headaches, Dayley being sick a lot (and I freak out over sick babies)a tooth that had gone bad, kids needing more then just a mom out of her element could give and Alex's 9th birthday. And the list could go on and on.

I have never been one to get headaches but the pain just got worse and worse. I kept believing I had a brain tumor or something because sadly I think in worse case scenario at everything. I was so upset because I kept begging and praying and having blessings to help me overcome the headaches.  I was begging for mercy because I had been through so much surely God didn't want me to suffer more. But to no avail the headaches and pressure and pounding increased by the day.  I was convinced I had a serious condition.  But with Cliff gone and me being alone in CO I truly felt like I had nowhere to turn and didn't know what to do.

That was until one night I literally did not sleep because I was so worried something was wrong, I could barely function.  I was up all night crying because I felt I was being punished, because maybe losing Alex wasn't enough suffering, I had to endure more, but why? I am ashamed to admit my little Lexi woke up from hearing me cry and then I just unloaded on my sweet little 6 year old.  I was so scared that I turned to my little girl for comfort.  What in the world was going on? How did I get to this point?

As I sat on the floor embracing my gift from Heaven a few thoughts came into my mind; ask for help, and have "faith in me." As soon as those thoughts came to me a quiet peace filled my mind for a moment.  I reached for my phone and called my neighbors for help, at 6am! Never ever would I do that in my right mind but I felt desperate and minutes before that call I felt alone.  But I wasn't really, you see.  All those weeks and months I felt alone, and forgotten, cursed, and scared, I had the power all along to wipe all those feelings away, but I lacked "faith in him." My dear friends came to my rescue plus countless more friends. I went to the hospital and a dear friend took me to get an MRI and another took my kids for the night and food was brought in and visits were made, voicemails were left.  How could hours before my life seemed so dark and now it was brighter then ever?

My MRI came back normal and I was diagnosed with severe tension headaches. Hmm I guess that's a no brainer looking back. But in times of loneliness and despair our fears take over, we forget all the light that our Savior brings into our lives, despite very hard and difficult challenges.

Up until recently I have allowed Alex's death to symbolize despair, unworthiness, emptiness, punishment, but most of all feeling overwhelmingly unloved.  I was asked to endure pain so deep and cutting that a few times I believed that the goodness life had to offer was not for me to taste, touch or feel.  I looked around at all the joy everyone else had and only saw my suffering.

But after finding out that I was in fact going to live, I reflected on the first of three prominent dreams I have ever had and have never had again. A few weeks before Alex was born I dreamed I was in a church, not the one we were currently attending but another one I didn't recognize and I was there in black and sad, my hair tied back. There was a little white casket in front of me but it was closed.  My Bishop was there along with family and friends.  I never saw the child's face but only that I knew it was My child.  I told my sister of my disturbing dream and she told me it was normal to have scary dreams like that before a baby was born and she in fact had one about her daughter before her birth.  It wasn't of a funeral but of one where she had to choose between the life of her son or the life of her daughter.  By her recounting her own dream she was able to calm my anxious fears, convincing me it was "normal paranoia."

Once Alex was born we were relieved his heart and lungs were strong, he was born alive and had all working limbs. He was jaundice, but no matter lots of kids are when they are first born right? After about 3 weeks I had this pressing feeling something was wrong but could not figure it out.  His poop looked weird but heck what did I know.  I just knew something was off.  I can only describe that it was like having a dark cloud hanging over my entire existence for about 6 weeks.  I kept calling the doctors and nurses but it was blamed on either my diet, or a virus or acid reflux.  It took me 6 weeks to finally get my answers, can't say a liver disease ever popped into my mind as the source however.

When Alex had died and we were making funeral arrangements it took all of 2 minutes because I had already planned it in my mind since the night of my dream.  I hadn't thought about the details of my dream since the night it occurred but when we walked into the chapel for his funeral my memories came flooding back.  We were at the church that was in my dreams.  Our ward had moved buildings a month before his death, but I hadn't thought much of it because we had hardly been to church since they switched.  The casket we chose for Alex had this beautiful sparkly white bodice laced with blue trim all around it. It was either that one or a wooden box so our choice was pretty much made for us. And now here I stood in the middle of my dream that I had dismissed as paranoia instead of a premonition. I was sitting in the very spot I saw, my hair was down, but the pearly white casket was ever so still, resting right in front of me. My friends and family encompassed me, our same Bishop presided over the funeral. And now my thoughts focused on the simple truth that this whole time God had planned for that moment.  He knew from the beginning this was how it was supposed to play out.  I can't deny it.  My dream truly reflected my future.  As much as I wish my trail with Alex was of a happier nature, I know that one day it will be.  I know that my Heavenly Father gave me all those signs leading up to his death, so that at this moment right now I could write and reflect upon it and testify that each and everyone of us has a plan and a path to follow.  Some are grander then others, some are happier, brighter and less challenging.  But no matter what, we are looked upon and judged upon with the same eyes and hands.  All he has asked us to do is "have a little faith in me"

Have a Little Faith by John Hiatt

(I know this was written as a love song but I believe some of the lyrics really do apply to our Savior and Heavenly Father, I did take "baby and darlin" out;)

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
An' have a little faith in me

An' when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
An' have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

An' when your back's against the wall
Just turn around an' a you will see

I'll be there, I'll be there to catch your fall

So have a little faith in me

Cause I've been loving you for such a long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
'Cause for us there is no end
All you gotta do is have a little faith in me 

I will hold you up!
I'm gonna hold you up!

So have a little faith in me 

All I want you to do for me tonight
All you gotta do is justa have a little faith in me 

All you gotta do is justa have a little faith in me 

Have a little faith in me 
Have a little faith in me 
Have a little faith in me 

HAVE A LITTLE FAITH IN ME (click to hear my new favorite version of this song)

I Promise You

The moments following Alex's descent back to Heaven are embedded in my mind forever. I remember screaming in disbelief of what I just witnessed. I remember Cliff rocking and holding Alex for about an hour after, he didn't want to let go.  I could barely muster a glance at his lifeless body.  I remember our long quiet walk back to our empty car and car seat and the incredibly long, silent drive home.  I remember the complete and utter feeling of loneliness.  We have all experienced loneliness at one time or another but this was beyond the typical everyday loneliness.  I actually felt physical pain.  My heart shattered and I could barely see through my thousands of tears that covered my entire body.  That kind of pain, emptiness and loneliness is something that I never ever want to experience again and I hope and pray no one else has to either. 

We had so much outpouring of love and support it was truly humbling.  I have kept every single card that was sent, every piece of momento that was given.  In that box lies the poem "Footprints in the Sand." I had read that poem before as a young girl, so I knew what it was, but I reread it again and honestly it kind of made me mad because I was thinking "how can anyone understand what this feels like, it's so easy to say that I am not alone, but at that moment I was or at least it felt like it." Grief masks and covers everything in our daily life.  It leaves you feeling hopeless, lonely, aching, wandering, grasping.  So once my body finally gave into my weariness I believe The Lord new the only way he could try to break through my grief was while I was sleeping.  I don't remember exactly the time frame, but it was within a month after Alex died and I had a dream of twins. In the dream I couldn't see the genders but I felt so much peace and love and happiness.  I remember Alex being in the background but I could never see him or his face but I knew he was there.  When I woke up, I told Cliff I had a dream of twins and he said "that is so funny because a few days ago I had a dream of twins, but didn't think to say anything." So we both just paused for a second and then just said, "huh." As the moment passed the grief came back and my new empty life had started again.  I went from full time mom, nurse, doctor, etc to nothing. I just sat at home lost and lonely, day after day.  But that dream would come to my mind every now and then.

We moved to San Antonio Texas in June of that year (4 months after Alex died) for Cliff to attend dental  school.  Just when I didn't think I could feel more lost and empty we moved to a place we did not know a single soul.  Talk about the nail in the coffin.  It was SO hard for Cliff and me.  Looking back Cliff and say that we should have taken the year to grieve, but we didn't and we pushed forward with life.  I was able to find a teaching job 2 weeks after we moved. I couldn't believe it.  What a blessing that was because it gave me something in my life to focus on and it introduced me to some awesome people who helped me through the toughest year of my life.  But even being busy teaching and coaching the 7th grade girls athletics, my desire to be a mom was consuming my every thought.  You can't go from mom to "unmom" it's unnatural and irreplaceable.  When Cliff and I decided to start thinking of having another baby we did so with much thought and prayer.  We had so many concerns and reservations and doubts, but ultimately we decided to go forward in faith and see what would happen.  We ended up pregnant not long after and we joked around that it could be twins.  For the first time since Alex's death we had something to live for, to be excited about, something to keep us going.  When I got to my first appointment, I had to inform the doctor and nurse of my prior history.  There was not a dry eye in the room, and so with that the doctor proceeded with the sonogram.  She turned on the machine and quickly got a little twinkle in her eyes and looked at me and asked, "now where is your husband again?" And I retold her he was in class or taking a test, I don't remember now which it was.  She just stood there quietly and I said its twins isn't it? And with a big grin, she acknowledged that it was.  Again the tears flew out of me, the doctor and the nurse.  I felt the spirit so strong in that doctors office, as if it was reminding me of that dream I had 9 months before.  I can't deny that my Heavenly Father was preparing me for that moment, a moment he knew would help me in my grief, a moment he knew exactly what would save me from despair.  As I was driving home, that poem entered my thoughts and now I was finally ready to accept that I truly was not alone.  I had never been alone, even though it might have felt like it. 

From that day on my pain was lifted just a tiny bit from my soul.  My days seemed a little brighter and my step became a little quicker.  Then the time came when my arms were not only full but overflowing. I was a mother once again, and I could have not asked for a better way to do so. My grief for the first time became second in my life and in a way it was liberating and in a way it was heartbreaking.  I didn't want to ever make Alex not matter or unimportant but I also knew I could never move on if I didn't stick that part of my life somewhere else.  My Heavenly Father and my Savior knew just what I needed and they kept their promise to always be there and never to let me walk alone and this was their way of showing me their everlasting presence in my life.  I know it was not by accident I had my twins.  I know they were a gift sent to me to help me in my life, to remind me of the goodness and happiness and mercy that can be had despite despair and heartache. I know that if I am not walking alone, neither is anyone else.  And if you are feeling lonely and weary I urge you to find a way to prove he is beside you and you will find your proof, I promise you! 

These are the words from a song Leona Lewis sings based off of the "Footprint" poem.  I heard it a few  months ago and it just brought back all of my memories that I just shared, and I appreciate this opportunity to be able to share my experiences with anyone willing to listen (or read). Thank you for taking the time out of your day to care about mine. 

Footprints in the Sand

You walked with me

Footprints in the sand

And helped me understand

Where I'm going

You walked with me

When I was all alone

With so much unknown

Along the way

Then I heard you say

I PROMISE YOU

I'm always there

When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair

I'll carry you

When you need a friend

You'll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life

Flash across the sky

So many times have I been so afraid

And just when I

I thought I'd lost my way

You gave me strength to carry on

That's when I heard you say

I PROMISE YOU

I'm always there

When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair

And I'll carry you

When you need a friend

You'll find my footprints in the sand

When I'm weary

Well I know you'll be there

And I can feel you

When you say

I PROMISE YOU

Oh, I'm always there

When your heart is filled with sadness and despair

I'll carry you

When you need a friend

You'll find my footprints in the sand

When your heart is full of sadness and despair

I'll carry you

When you need a friend

You'll find my footprints in the sand