IN MY PLACE

I have been thinking for months about what to write next on this blog. I have enjoyed getting back into writing but really what more can I say about death, sorrow, pain, life, and moving forward? Does anyone really care what I have to say because I don't have any of it figured out? But I started this blog with a purpose and that was to find a place I could be completely honest and a place where my children and others could learn about my life's experiences dealing with death and how you can live thorough it. So here it goes....

There are still so many nights I sit and think about Alex, about how sad I am without him. I think about how much it hurts to look at my three kids and always see an empty space just waiting to be filled. I look at other families that have four kids and I get jealous, mad, sad, lonely, helpless, and confused. Why do they get to keep all of their children? Why do I continuously have to taste this bitter cup? Why did God choose me to battle such an impossible task? Why did I have to say good-bye to such a big part of my heart?

Every time i face a difficult time in life, Alex's death just sits front and center of all that pain. As we have gone through this last year cliff and I have certainly battled many challenges: job changes, travel, health, loneliness, and just life in general.

I wish I could sit here and type the words BUT THROUGH IT ALL GOD WAS WITH ME, but I can't. I don't know if he was.  I am not saying he is not there, but as I have tried to pray and fill my emptiness, my grief, my anger, insecurities, I almost felt more lost.  It was as if the world and my problems got a whole lot bigger.  How can I expect God, creator of all, to snap his fingers and fix me? My reasoning was, he has already asked too much of me so he owes me this.  He owes me! He owes me for giving up Alex, he owes me for not asking everyone to suffer like I have.  I was so mad at him for leaving me here alone, and just watching me slowly suffer silently each day. He must have known how painful it would be for me to continue life without Alex. He knew what it would do to me, and yet he didn't care enough to stop it! Why does he stop for others and not me? I would give anything to have the answers to these timeless questions.  Pain has a way of distorting truth or what we believe to be true. I will forever wonder why my life has been tainted with death. I will forever wonder if I did something to deserve this when millions of mothers never have to face such a loss.  But the truth is none of us truly know why these things happen. Why some face mountains of trials while others don't. The only one who holds these precious answers is waiting for the right moment to reveal them to us. But it's hard to except that we might have to live our entire life never knowing the why's, but at least he has given us the key to the how's.  

As Alex's 10th birthday is approaching I have been wondering if I should go visit his grave. I love that place so much and yet i always get nervous going because I don't know how I am going to react seeing the only physical reminder that he is truly gone from this life. My sister and I have been dying to do a sisters trip. We did one a few years back and had the best time and have yearned to recreate that moment again. We have discussed many options, but then the idea of going to see Alex came up and for my sister it was not even a question. I mean really who wants to visit a grave for a sisters trip, and yet my sister, who has been my rock, the one person who sends me flowers every year for his angel day, the sister who turned right around from her flight after just visiting us when we found out Alex was brain dead, my sister who has a big picture of Alex hanging in her home, never even hesitated and was looking into flights. She has been my best friend has been Gods (how) way of showing me I am not alone. She can't take away the bad things of life, and neither can God, but he can guide us through them. He has systems set in place to help people like me. I have met some pretty amazing people in my life. 

It will always be a process for me to accept the trials I have had to bear.  But through these things I am learning, I hope that I can continuously refine myself. I need to refine my relationship with God, my family, my outlook on life, and my grief.  I don't have any of this stuff figured out and just when I think I might have it, I lose it and have to start all over because this life isn't about "figuring it out" it's about so much more. It's about growing our faith in the things we can't see, it's about building relationships with our family and friends, serving those around us, raising our children in goodness and love, teaching ourselves to be better, to enjoy life to its absolute fullness and to accept the fact that we can do hard things. 

My neighbors whom I adore and feel so blessed to have part of my life, invited me to their church last week and the band sang a Cold Play song, one of my favorites. But it just spoke to me while listening to it. I wish I could have co wrote it with Chris Martin (lead singer) because it 
just adequelty described me at that moment. "In My Place" is a song written for those who have ever felt lost, overwhelmed, confused, alone. I would say most people have at one time or another felt one of these emotions. We all have our place (experiences), and I am sure we have all felt lost in those places. I have. It's so easy to feel lost but how easy is it to feel found? That has been my journey thus far, is to feel that I matter, to feel that my trials aren't a form of punishment but a tool for me to find my way so that I can truly find "My Place" in this life and the next. I hope that all of you, some of you, or even just one of you want to come with me and we can find our places together because at the end of it that's what God intended for us to do. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gnIZ7RMuLpU

In my place, in my place

Were lines that I couldn't change

I was lost,

I was lost, I was lost

Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed

I was lost,

how long must you wait for it?

 how long must you pay for it?

 how long must you wait for it, oh, for it?

I was scared, I was scared

Tired and under-prepared

But I'll wait for it

If you go, if you go

Leave me down here on my own

Then I'll wait for you, yeah.

how long must you wait for it?

 how long must you pay for it?

how long must you wait for it?

Singing

Please, please, please

Come back and sing to me

To me, to me

Come on and sing it out, now, now

Come on and sing it out to me, me

Come back and sing it

In my place, in my place

Were lines that I couldn't change

And I was lost