ONLY YOU

                             Alex was a week old meeting his great grandma Luff for the first time

I have been obsessed with this 1982 song "Only You" by Yaz for the last 2 months.  I realize that a lot of songs are written with different meanings behind them but thats what makes music, art and literature so intriguing is the idea that we can all interpret them differently.  I love this song because even though its most likely a love song, its a song of reflection. Its almost as if I can feel that "ah ha" moment of "yeah I realize now that I needed only you ".

13 years ago today December 18, 2004 my sweet baby Alex was born. I haven written endlessly about this and just when you think there is nothing left to say there still is just a tiny bit more.  I don't think I can ever put into words how heavy it is to carry the death of a child with you or even the death  of a loved one.  Its sad, and painful. Many of us try and just put it out of our daily path because the hurt can fog up our day, weeks, months or years.  And then suddenly we find that our life has sped by us, but not driving in a beautiful, well taken care of sports car, but rather in a beat up, old smelly, worn down clunker, that doesn't seem worthy of fixing up.  For years and years I was living life driving a clunker.  I was getting where I needed to be but it wasn't pretty.  I was near break down mode.  For a long time I felt guilty for feeling so broken and letting my 20's and early 30's just jug on by. I think I was okay with it because I got to a point in my mind where I thought its normal to just "endure life." After all I was given such an extremely hard trial at such a young age.  I had all the excuses lined up day after day.  Now don't get me wrong, its not like I ever just laid in bed or walked around like a zombie.  Thats not the case at all. In fact I think I have been a pretty well adjusted full functioning grieving mother.  But internally; mentally, emotionally, and spiritually I have been in turmoil.  Turmoil in the sense of what the heck is all this supposed to be about? I have no answer to the whole "meaning of life" saga. That is certainly and individual journey of discovery that we each need to find our own personal answers.  But for me a few things have become a little more clear.

My mom is currently winding down her journey of life. As I have visited with her and talked with her and watched her handle these final moments of life my perspective on the meaning of life has certainly changed. My wise husband has really helped me along as well.

Since we have been able to prepare for my mothers death it has given everyone who loves her a chance to say goodbye, which truly is a gift. All her grandchildren wrote her the most precious letters, and good friends and other family members as well.  As I had the opportunity to read those to her, the peace of love it brought to her was nothing life I have ever seen.  She told me that she never ever knew that she meant so much to her grandchildren and other loved ones.  And then she profoundly told me that she had succeeded in life.  She had succeeded because she earned the true and unconditional love of those she most loved and cherished in her own life.

I know it sounds so simple, maybe even too easy, YET love is the most powerful word and emotion known to life.  And because it holds so much power it is anything but simple and easy.  When I have talked with many friends and family who have carried sadness, or demons and trials in their lives the common denominator in all of them have been the lack of love they felt somewhere or at some point in life.  Whether it was a lack of love from a parent, spouse, guardian, sibling, friend or God, it was absent during a part of their life.

Why is that? Why does one small little word that can bring overwhelming peace and joy and self assurance also can bring so much destruction, pain and misery?

Why is it so hard to show and express our love to others? Have lots of answers for that. Many of us become distracted with the mere burden of life or some were not taught how to truly give or receive love. Some interpret love differently.  Some give it with conditions and terms.  The list can go on and on and on.

When I think about my time driving my clunker, I realize that what was missing was the ability and knowledge I carried to fix it up. I don't have to live life puttering down the road, but i can gradually fix myself up piece by piece. And that starts with letting those I truly love know how much I love them. I want them to know I love them not because of how I outwardly see them, but how God inwardly knows them. I want to uplift and build others up and not be the cause of destruction and sadness. I want to positively affect others lives especially my children and husband.  And I can only do that if I am enjoying life and not just "enduring it"

The last person who I felt truly and unconditionally loved by was from my Alex. I know whole heartedly that he loved me and saw me how God sees me.  I remember how he used to look at me with so much admiration. I know my other children love me, but this was different. It was so simple, and so pure. And in turn I gave him all that I had. I love my Alex so much it hurts me to think of him. I think I gave so much of myself that I have been very stingy in the here and now with my living friends and family. Giving of ourselves is the greatest gift we can give to those around us but most of all its the greatest gift we can give to ourselves because at the end of the day we will live with no regrets.

Alex's birth 13 years ago is so much more then just a baby being born. It is unexplainable. He has forever changed me. I don't want to just endure life, I want to live. And I want to live it with his effortless ability to love others for just being who they are. I believe Alex gets that ability from my sweet mother and I couldn't be more anxious for their reunion because I know when they embrace it will be the closest he will have of me until its our turn.

So for today "All I needed" was Alex and my mom and that is good enough.

Only You by Yaz (click to listen)

Looking from a window above

It's like a story of love
Can you hear me?
Came back only yesterday
I'm moving further away
Want you near me

All I needed was the love you gave

All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you

Sometimes when I think of her name
When it's only a game
And I need you
Listen to the words that you say
It's getting harder to stay
When I see you

All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you, only you

This is going to take a long time
And I wonder what's mine
Can't take no more
Wonder if you'll understand
It's just the touch of your hand
Behind a closed door

And all I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day

And all I ever knew
Only you,