The song "What we Ain't Got" by Jake Owens sums up what many people in life experience, I dare say most everyone. Who doesn't want something that they don't have? A woman who can't have kids wants kids, a woman who can't stop having kids, her husband wishes she would;) We have a minivan but want an SUV, Our husband works too hard, or not hard enough. A mother who gave birth to 4 children but only 3 lived, wants her 4th back. I wish I could say our wants will one day end, but they won't. I wish I could say that if Alex were here with me my world would be complete but would it really? And it wouldn't for one reason, we don't realize what we have until we don't have it anymore. If I have never had to feel the deepest of grief I don't know who or what I would be. I would like to think a normal everyday mom raising all of her children but I can't say for sure. I do know that something else would find its way in to cause a void or interruption in my life. No one is free of errors, trials, struggles, problems, failures and harsh reality. The question is how do we accept and accelerate in life? How do we take those problems of life and turn them into or find a resolution? How do we open the door that has been closed for so long that the thought of what's behind it is so scary we just continue to walk past it daily? I have yet to meet anyone who likes pain and hurt. So what's the natural thing to do? Avoid and think everyone else has it better. If I only had.....
I bought a memory scrapbook a few weeks after Alex died, with the intentions when I was ready I would fill it. Well it's all still in a box unopened and untouched. The thought of siting down and filing it with what I have left of him kills me to even think about, and yet my kids have begged me to do scrapbooks so they can look at Alex whenever they want. Why can't I bring myself to do it? Why are we afraid of the unknown reaction, the unknown pain. Pain is just the gateway to healing and we all want to heal from our wounds and sickness but no one wants to endure the process God has intended to achieve it.
It's my goal that by this time next year on Alex's 10 year anniversary I will have that done. This process of grief doesn't happen over night, or in 5 years 10 years, it's continual, never ending. All of our lives are lived without many resolutions but we can exercise our resilience. God has given us the greatest gift he could and that's the power to heal. All of us have that power within ourselves to heal from our afflictions whatever they may be. Sometimes it's physical healing, but in a greater scheme he has given us an agent to help empower us and that's a hope and faith in those things we can't see. A hope that there is more to this life then we can ever understand and a faith in our Savior who has paved a road that would otherwise be very rocky and painful. When I think of Alex I have no doubts he is supposed to be where he is, loving and teaching those who need him, but I will always want "what I ain't got" but it's up to me to be ok with that. I am ok that I get envious of those families who sit with their 4 kids at church, whose boy is 10 and in 4th grade, who plays soccer and goes on campouts with his dad. I am human and I am humble enough to say I don't understand but it's not my time to understand and it's not my purpose. I know God understands my pain and I know he has tried in hundreds of ways to ease it. I have accepted some and have probably rejected too many. But he never stops trying. And I will one day get what I want but it will take lots of time and countless hours of patience. The best things in life are worth waiting for.
Those of you who want "what we ain't got" just think of all those things you do have and kiss them, hold them, cherish them, love them, visit them, but most importantly follow him in all things. The only thing we take from this life is our relationships and our memories, so my advice is to make the best of what do got.
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