ONLY YOU

                             Alex was a week old meeting his great grandma Luff for the first time

I have been obsessed with this 1982 song "Only You" by Yaz for the last 2 months.  I realize that a lot of songs are written with different meanings behind them but thats what makes music, art and literature so intriguing is the idea that we can all interpret them differently.  I love this song because even though its most likely a love song, its a song of reflection. Its almost as if I can feel that "ah ha" moment of "yeah I realize now that I needed only you ".

13 years ago today December 18, 2004 my sweet baby Alex was born. I haven written endlessly about this and just when you think there is nothing left to say there still is just a tiny bit more.  I don't think I can ever put into words how heavy it is to carry the death of a child with you or even the death  of a loved one.  Its sad, and painful. Many of us try and just put it out of our daily path because the hurt can fog up our day, weeks, months or years.  And then suddenly we find that our life has sped by us, but not driving in a beautiful, well taken care of sports car, but rather in a beat up, old smelly, worn down clunker, that doesn't seem worthy of fixing up.  For years and years I was living life driving a clunker.  I was getting where I needed to be but it wasn't pretty.  I was near break down mode.  For a long time I felt guilty for feeling so broken and letting my 20's and early 30's just jug on by. I think I was okay with it because I got to a point in my mind where I thought its normal to just "endure life." After all I was given such an extremely hard trial at such a young age.  I had all the excuses lined up day after day.  Now don't get me wrong, its not like I ever just laid in bed or walked around like a zombie.  Thats not the case at all. In fact I think I have been a pretty well adjusted full functioning grieving mother.  But internally; mentally, emotionally, and spiritually I have been in turmoil.  Turmoil in the sense of what the heck is all this supposed to be about? I have no answer to the whole "meaning of life" saga. That is certainly and individual journey of discovery that we each need to find our own personal answers.  But for me a few things have become a little more clear.

My mom is currently winding down her journey of life. As I have visited with her and talked with her and watched her handle these final moments of life my perspective on the meaning of life has certainly changed. My wise husband has really helped me along as well.

Since we have been able to prepare for my mothers death it has given everyone who loves her a chance to say goodbye, which truly is a gift. All her grandchildren wrote her the most precious letters, and good friends and other family members as well.  As I had the opportunity to read those to her, the peace of love it brought to her was nothing life I have ever seen.  She told me that she never ever knew that she meant so much to her grandchildren and other loved ones.  And then she profoundly told me that she had succeeded in life.  She had succeeded because she earned the true and unconditional love of those she most loved and cherished in her own life.

I know it sounds so simple, maybe even too easy, YET love is the most powerful word and emotion known to life.  And because it holds so much power it is anything but simple and easy.  When I have talked with many friends and family who have carried sadness, or demons and trials in their lives the common denominator in all of them have been the lack of love they felt somewhere or at some point in life.  Whether it was a lack of love from a parent, spouse, guardian, sibling, friend or God, it was absent during a part of their life.

Why is that? Why does one small little word that can bring overwhelming peace and joy and self assurance also can bring so much destruction, pain and misery?

Why is it so hard to show and express our love to others? Have lots of answers for that. Many of us become distracted with the mere burden of life or some were not taught how to truly give or receive love. Some interpret love differently.  Some give it with conditions and terms.  The list can go on and on and on.

When I think about my time driving my clunker, I realize that what was missing was the ability and knowledge I carried to fix it up. I don't have to live life puttering down the road, but i can gradually fix myself up piece by piece. And that starts with letting those I truly love know how much I love them. I want them to know I love them not because of how I outwardly see them, but how God inwardly knows them. I want to uplift and build others up and not be the cause of destruction and sadness. I want to positively affect others lives especially my children and husband.  And I can only do that if I am enjoying life and not just "enduring it"

The last person who I felt truly and unconditionally loved by was from my Alex. I know whole heartedly that he loved me and saw me how God sees me.  I remember how he used to look at me with so much admiration. I know my other children love me, but this was different. It was so simple, and so pure. And in turn I gave him all that I had. I love my Alex so much it hurts me to think of him. I think I gave so much of myself that I have been very stingy in the here and now with my living friends and family. Giving of ourselves is the greatest gift we can give to those around us but most of all its the greatest gift we can give to ourselves because at the end of the day we will live with no regrets.

Alex's birth 13 years ago is so much more then just a baby being born. It is unexplainable. He has forever changed me. I don't want to just endure life, I want to live. And I want to live it with his effortless ability to love others for just being who they are. I believe Alex gets that ability from my sweet mother and I couldn't be more anxious for their reunion because I know when they embrace it will be the closest he will have of me until its our turn.

So for today "All I needed" was Alex and my mom and that is good enough.

Only You by Yaz (click to listen)

Looking from a window above

It's like a story of love
Can you hear me?
Came back only yesterday
I'm moving further away
Want you near me

All I needed was the love you gave

All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you

Sometimes when I think of her name
When it's only a game
And I need you
Listen to the words that you say
It's getting harder to stay
When I see you

All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you, only you

This is going to take a long time
And I wonder what's mine
Can't take no more
Wonder if you'll understand
It's just the touch of your hand
Behind a closed door

And all I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day

And all I ever knew
Only you, 

Wintersong

Its hard to believe 12 years ago today i was in the hospital in small town Idaho waiting to meet my first child. Twelve years has certainly brought an endless amount of life experience all wrapped up into a little boy named Alexander Pierce Luff. I remember when Alex's original due date was Dec 23 (which is also my grandmas birthday) I remember feeling so bad that his birthday was going to fall so close to Christmas. Then he arrived a few days early and now his birthday falls exactly a week from Christmas and I couldn't be more grateful to have it during this time of year.  Now instead of getting to honor one remarkable birth I get to honor two.  Two men who I have tried for 12 years to get to know and to understand and to love.  

Alex has caused me to reflect on the ever burning desire to answer the eternal question of "what is the purpose of life?" Billions of people for billions of years have pondered this age old question. Since watching the birth and then death of my son I have endlessly scoured for an understanding and fulfilling my personal duty to answer this. 

I would sit and wonder for hours what was the purpose for Alex to come here and melt my heart to then turn that melting heart to badly burned resemblance of something that used to be untainted. Why would God ever want such pain and suffering.  There was so much hope in my eyes when Alex was born. So much I dreamed for his future.  His purpose......was to then just die? 

Of course the answer would be no.  My simple and humble conclusion to this everlasting question has not been earth shattering but it has certainly made me look at how I live my life much differently.  No Alex's purpose wasn't to just live, have a liver disease and then die. Alex's purpose is forever going to be what people make it to be. What I make it to be but ultimately what he makes it to be. 

My purpose isn't to just be a mother in mourning but merely to make a purpose for myself that embodies all of those things in which my life has endured.  My purpose and your purpose in life will be whatever we choose to do, how we choose to act and how we choose to live.  

We weren't sent here to fulfill a purpose but rather we were sent here to make a purpose!

On this day 12 years ago I chose to fulfill my purpose to become a mom and took I on all the good, bad, ugly and beautiful sides of that. 

My purpose is to always remember the birth of two men who have fulfilled their purpose in life with much love, grace and strength. 

My purpose is to always cherish the blessings I have while embracing the trials that are continually birthed into our lives. 

Happy Birthday to one of my greatest purposes in my life! Love you little Alex

Like most of my posts I have a song attached at the bottom that I love to play when I am thinking of Alex.....I really wish I was talented enough to write and create these beautiful songs but at least there are plenty of talented musicians so I can at least enjoy their creations. 

WINTERSONG (LINK)

 by Sarah McLachlan 

The lake is frozen over
The trees are white with snow
And all around reminders of you
Are everywhere I go

It's late and morning's in no hurry
But sleep won't set me free
I lie awake and try to recall
How your body felt beside me
When silence gets too hard to handle
And the night too long

This is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by
Oh I miss you now, my love
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas, my love

Sense the joy fills the air

And I daydream and I stare
Up at the tree and I see
Your star up there

This is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by

Birth of an Angel

This day 11 years ago I embarked on a journey that I had no idea the destination I or Alex were headed towards.  Thinking of the person I was so long ago, waiting for my arms to wrap around my first child is hard to imagine. I was so young, inexperienced, naive, innocent and unscathed. My outlook on life was so pure and wholesome. I never really took the time to look at life and really what it was all about.

When I became a mom, I thought my heart was going to leap out of my body.  To see Alex for the first time was like taking a peak into all the goodness and love that heaven has prepared for us.  I had never felt more love for something then I did in that moment.  And I knew Alex loved Cliff and me just as much.  That is the wonderful gift of children and being parents, that ability to change our heart and our lives in a nano second and at any age or time in our life.

I have found it so interesting that the last few years people have had this fascination with recreating memories from the past. You might see bags of potato chips packaged with their old "classic" labels or vintage soda cans or bottles that looked like the did in the 50's.  And more recently, old tv shows or movies are getting "reboots."  I would just roll my eyes when another reboot would come out because in my mind I am thinking, are there just no knew innovative ideas out there?  But as I thought more about it, its not that there are no knew ideas but what people want is to recreate memories and feelings they had years prior.  People want to transfer themselves back to a time when life felt good, innocent, untainted.  The older we get we understand that time slips from our fingertips and never looks back, so I think giving a "rebirth" to the things from our past is about the only way people know how to stop time for a moment.

Today is that day for me, a moment in time that will always stand still.  A time when I can think of Alex's birth and not his liver disease or all of his surgeries or even his death.  On this day, his belly was unscarred, his liver was working and I got to hold him with no thoughts of death or pain.  This is how I want to remember him, in his purest form.  And there is nothing I can do to "reboot" it or recreate it.

Now if we fast forward to the present, there is a reason why 99% of those tv roots or movies don't last long, and why people tend to buy the more modern looking cans of coke and bags of chips.  Because those memories and feelings we have in the past can never be recreated or copied or relived.  Thats what makes them so special.  Now we might have bought those vintage sodas or the "classic" bags of chips once or watched a few episodes of the tv "reboot" or went to the theater to give the revamped movie a try, but at the end of it we realize that we don't need our old memories to be replaced or redirected.  We need them right where they are and our new memories need to encompass our old ones.  Thats how we build, learn and grow.

The birth of the twins was an amazing and healing experience for me and Dayley's birth was like finally being able to close that window that had been stuck for years. And with each experience I have with my kids,  it has never taken away or replaced my memories or experiences with Alex.  I finally realized that all my memories and love and time I get to spend with my 3 kids doesn't take away from my Alex but merely it adds to it.  There is no doubt our family has an empty spot.  We all feel it.  But Alex is there filling those spots everyday with the memories he left behind.

There are no words to ever express my deepest pain or grief but there are also no words to describe how I feel about my son and the angel that he was and is in my life.  Today is hard, its a day that I love and hate.  Its a day that is never the same each year, but at least today is a day both Alex and I have the same memory of what it was like to meet each other for the very first time.  It was magical and even more magical as time goes on.  The love between Alex, Cliff and me is sacred and special and a love that only the three of us share.  Alex is my strength and he is my "classic" memory.  Today is a day that I never want to change or recreate or wish away.  I love Alex for everything that he was and everything that he still is.  I will never wish him back and I will never wish him away.  God gave me Alex and Alex gave me God.  I see God so differently now and my understanding of life is clearer and more directed.  I understand that when God gives us miracles its not because he heard our prayers but because we heard his! Alex is where he is because he is greater then I could ever imagine.  I always wanted a child who could change the world but I never understood that the world that needed changing was my own.

Happy Birthday Alex, and I hope you are able to celebrate your life with all those family and friends who love you both in heaven and earth.

WHAT WE AINT GOT

As I have pondered what to say on Alex's angel anniversary, Feb 12, I heard a song on the radio that almost nailed what I was feeling on that infamous day. 9 years ago, I held my baby for the very last time, I whispered in his ear my final words I could ever speak to him on earth. How does a mom reflect on such a day without thinking "I wish I had him back." Actually I WANT him back.  But those thoughts and feelings don't do anyone any good, but for the first time I am not going to apologize for not being ok with Gods will.  I do wish him back, I want all my kids surrounding me.  I want my piece of me returned.  I want my will to be Gods will.  But we all know if that was the case then what would we need God for? We would have it all figured out all on our own.

The song "What we Ain't Got" by Jake Owens sums up what many people in life experience, I dare say most everyone.  Who doesn't want something that they don't have? A woman who can't have kids wants kids, a woman who can't stop having kids, her husband wishes she would;) We have a minivan but want an SUV, Our husband works too hard, or not hard enough.  A mother who gave birth to 4 children but only 3 lived, wants her 4th back. I wish I could say our wants will one day end, but they won't. I wish I could say that if Alex were here with me my world would be complete but would it really? And it wouldn't for one reason, we don't realize what we have until we don't have it anymore. If I have never had to feel the deepest of grief I don't know who or what I would be.  I would like to think a normal everyday mom raising all of her children but I can't say for sure.  I do know that something else would find its way in to cause a void or interruption in my life.  No one is free of errors, trials, struggles, problems, failures and harsh reality. The question is how do we accept and accelerate in life? How do we take those problems of life and turn them into or find a resolution? How do we open the door that has been closed for so long that the thought of what's behind it is so scary we just continue to walk past it daily? I have yet to meet anyone who likes pain and hurt.  So what's the natural thing to do? Avoid and think everyone else has it better. If I only had.....

I bought a memory scrapbook a few weeks after Alex died, with the intentions when I was ready I would fill it. Well it's all still in a box unopened and untouched.  The thought of siting down and filing it with what I have left of him kills me to even think about, and yet my kids have begged me to do scrapbooks so they can look at Alex whenever they want. Why can't I bring myself to do it? Why are we afraid of the unknown reaction, the unknown pain.  Pain is just the gateway to healing and we all want to heal from our wounds and sickness but no one wants to endure the process God has intended to achieve it.

It's my goal that by this time next year on Alex's 10 year anniversary I will have that done. This process of grief doesn't happen over night, or in 5 years 10 years, it's continual, never ending. All of our lives are lived without many resolutions but we can exercise our resilience. God has given us the greatest gift he could and that's the power to heal.  All of us have that power within ourselves to heal from our afflictions whatever they may be.  Sometimes it's physical healing, but in a greater scheme he has given us an agent to help empower us and that's a hope and faith in those things we can't see.  A hope that there is more to this life then we can ever understand and a faith in our Savior who has paved a road that would otherwise be very rocky and painful. When I think of Alex I have no doubts he is supposed to be where he is, loving and teaching those who need him, but I will always want "what I ain't got" but it's up to me to be ok with that. I am ok that I get envious of those families who sit with their 4 kids at church, whose boy is 10 and in 4th grade, who plays soccer and goes on campouts  with his dad.  I am human and I am humble enough to say I don't understand but it's not my time to understand and it's not my purpose.  I know God understands my pain and I know he has tried in hundreds of ways to ease it.  I have accepted some and have probably rejected too many. But he never stops trying.  And I will one day get what I want but it will take lots of time and countless hours of patience.  The best things in life are worth waiting for. 

Those of you who want "what we ain't got" just think of all those things you do have and kiss them, hold them, cherish them, love them, visit them, but most importantly follow him in all things. The only thing we take from this life is our relationships and our memories, so my advice is to make the best of what do got.

WHAT WE AINT GOT (click here)

We all want what we ain't got,
Our favorite doors are always locked.
On a higher hill with a taller top,
We all want what we ain't got.

We ain't happy where we are,
There's greener grass in the neighbors yard.
A bigger house and a faster car,
We ain't happy where we are.

All I want is what I had,
I'll trade it all just to get her (him) back.
She's (he's) moving on, but I guess I'm not
We all want what we ain't got

We all wish it didn't hurt,
When you try your best and it doesn't work.
And goodbye's such a painful word,
We all wish it didn't hurt.

All I want is what I had,
I'd trade it all just to get her (him) back.
She's (he's) moving on, but I guess I'm not.
We all want what we ain't got

I wanted the world until my whole world stopped,
You know a love like that ain't easily forgot.
I guess we all want what we ain't got.
Yeah, we all want what we ain't got.

Who you'd be today

I started writing this post way back on Memorial day but never finished. I guess this post was meant to be shared in honor of Alex's birthday, which was December 18, 2004.  This year marked his big 10.  I thought as time would pass so would the pain and grief I would feel and yet as the saying goes "distance can make the heart grow fonder or make it wander." For me there is no question its "fonder." The distance that has been placed on me and Alex at times seems cruel and at times it feels like nothing.  Was Alex here? Is Alex really gone? These are my most conflicted and tormented questions.  Death and life are two interconnected parts of every existence and yet over the hundreds of millions of years there is only one person who has mastered them both.  I wish I could say I have mastered grief, but I am still a lowly apprentice and a terrible one at that.  Mickie mouse is a better apprentice.

I was struggling for 7 months to find the right words to try and comfort a friend I knew whose husband passed away.  My mind was blank and my pen was still as the words never came.  9 years I have had to find the right words and yet I render speechless. I feel so cheated out of raising my son that sometimes when I see a 10 year old my heart just fills with jealousy and envy.  Why Alex and not them? Why any child? Why me? I used to feel guilty for feeling this way but I decided that I can't be alone in these thoughts.  I can't be the only mother who doesn't find comfort in her child being in heaven and not in her arms, or can I?
I have heard all the things that can be said about better places, where he needs to be and we will understand the meaning of all things someday, and yet those just seem like empty promises, words spoken from people who have no clue, or do they?

None of us are masters of anything because no one will ever obtain perfection.  Some might be closer then others but still not perfect.  Then why do we all try and act like we have the perfect answer or the perfect knowledge or the perfect response?  Why do we feel that there is this perfect way of doing certain things in certain situations?  I think because I am Mormon and since we believe families are eternal and death is not the end, I should just move on and accept death and be at peace.  And I did for many years, just kind of plugged along and accepted it.  Until one day it didn't seem good enough, my pain grew too much and I wasn't okay with what happened, I am not okay with what happened, but it happened.  I had no choice and no vote, or did I? God chose for me and for Alex, or did he?

Now I am not saying all these things to lead anyone to believing I am an atheist or anything.  But I want people to understand that in our lives, our pain and hurt, our joys and happiness mold us into who we are.  Its okay to not understand things and its okay to not be okay.  I have accepted Alex's death a long time ago but I am not happy about it.  I don't rejoice in it.  And for some mothers who have lost a child might have opposing feelings and that is absolutely ok.  If you find peace and comfort in your child or loved one in heaven then I applaud and admire that conviction.  I am certainly glad Alex never had to live a long life of pain and suffering.  I am actually grateful for many things that have come from that experience.  But it still does not change the fact that Alex's birthday was spent with unlit candles and his stocking at Christmas hung empty.

My dad summed it up the best when I talked with him on his birthday. When Alex's spirit left, he took with him a part of mine.  I know he is holding onto that little part of me and waiting to give it back.  I just know and understand that I have much to do and learn before I am ready and prepared to receive it back.

Kenny Chesney released this song "Who You'd be Today" in 2005.  I remember hearing it right before Alex died, I heard it in the car and I just started balling because I knew I was going to face the death of Alex (at that point I didn't know when) and I knew this song was going to somehow have meaning in my life, and well I guess we all know what happened.  I have played this song every birthday and death day since and it never gets easier to listen to and never gets old.
But this last time while listening to the song, instead of trying to envision what Alex would look like, or talk like, or be like, I started to think about who "I" would be today.  Who would I be today without Alex.  Who would I be today without death.  I don't know the answer but I decided I don't want to know. Alex gave me so much more then just awesome smiles and forever hugs.  He gave me a reason to think, to ponder to question.  He gave me a reason to strive to understand and KNOW things I would have never tried to know.  He gave me, ME. That is who I am today, just me.  And I hope after you read or listen to this song you will discover who you are today.  Discover why you are who you are and keep moving forward and recognize that all of our life experiences, good, bad, beautiful and ugly are all part of us.  And all we can do is be the best version of our molded selves and share that with all we come in contact with because I can guarantee, you are you for a reason, for a purpose but most of all for yourself.
 

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go

I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
I still can't believe you're gone

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies?

Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday

 Our last family photo

 Alex's first birthday

Alex being a little stinker because he knew he wasn't supposed to touch the ornaments 

Who You'd be Today

IN MY PLACE

I have been thinking for months about what to write next on this blog. I have enjoyed getting back into writing but really what more can I say about death, sorrow, pain, life, and moving forward? Does anyone really care what I have to say because I don't have any of it figured out? But I started this blog with a purpose and that was to find a place I could be completely honest and a place where my children and others could learn about my life's experiences dealing with death and how you can live thorough it. So here it goes....

There are still so many nights I sit and think about Alex, about how sad I am without him. I think about how much it hurts to look at my three kids and always see an empty space just waiting to be filled. I look at other families that have four kids and I get jealous, mad, sad, lonely, helpless, and confused. Why do they get to keep all of their children? Why do I continuously have to taste this bitter cup? Why did God choose me to battle such an impossible task? Why did I have to say good-bye to such a big part of my heart?

Every time i face a difficult time in life, Alex's death just sits front and center of all that pain. As we have gone through this last year cliff and I have certainly battled many challenges: job changes, travel, health, loneliness, and just life in general.

I wish I could sit here and type the words BUT THROUGH IT ALL GOD WAS WITH ME, but I can't. I don't know if he was.  I am not saying he is not there, but as I have tried to pray and fill my emptiness, my grief, my anger, insecurities, I almost felt more lost.  It was as if the world and my problems got a whole lot bigger.  How can I expect God, creator of all, to snap his fingers and fix me? My reasoning was, he has already asked too much of me so he owes me this.  He owes me! He owes me for giving up Alex, he owes me for not asking everyone to suffer like I have.  I was so mad at him for leaving me here alone, and just watching me slowly suffer silently each day. He must have known how painful it would be for me to continue life without Alex. He knew what it would do to me, and yet he didn't care enough to stop it! Why does he stop for others and not me? I would give anything to have the answers to these timeless questions.  Pain has a way of distorting truth or what we believe to be true. I will forever wonder why my life has been tainted with death. I will forever wonder if I did something to deserve this when millions of mothers never have to face such a loss.  But the truth is none of us truly know why these things happen. Why some face mountains of trials while others don't. The only one who holds these precious answers is waiting for the right moment to reveal them to us. But it's hard to except that we might have to live our entire life never knowing the why's, but at least he has given us the key to the how's.  

As Alex's 10th birthday is approaching I have been wondering if I should go visit his grave. I love that place so much and yet i always get nervous going because I don't know how I am going to react seeing the only physical reminder that he is truly gone from this life. My sister and I have been dying to do a sisters trip. We did one a few years back and had the best time and have yearned to recreate that moment again. We have discussed many options, but then the idea of going to see Alex came up and for my sister it was not even a question. I mean really who wants to visit a grave for a sisters trip, and yet my sister, who has been my rock, the one person who sends me flowers every year for his angel day, the sister who turned right around from her flight after just visiting us when we found out Alex was brain dead, my sister who has a big picture of Alex hanging in her home, never even hesitated and was looking into flights. She has been my best friend has been Gods (how) way of showing me I am not alone. She can't take away the bad things of life, and neither can God, but he can guide us through them. He has systems set in place to help people like me. I have met some pretty amazing people in my life. 

It will always be a process for me to accept the trials I have had to bear.  But through these things I am learning, I hope that I can continuously refine myself. I need to refine my relationship with God, my family, my outlook on life, and my grief.  I don't have any of this stuff figured out and just when I think I might have it, I lose it and have to start all over because this life isn't about "figuring it out" it's about so much more. It's about growing our faith in the things we can't see, it's about building relationships with our family and friends, serving those around us, raising our children in goodness and love, teaching ourselves to be better, to enjoy life to its absolute fullness and to accept the fact that we can do hard things. 

My neighbors whom I adore and feel so blessed to have part of my life, invited me to their church last week and the band sang a Cold Play song, one of my favorites. But it just spoke to me while listening to it. I wish I could have co wrote it with Chris Martin (lead singer) because it 
just adequelty described me at that moment. "In My Place" is a song written for those who have ever felt lost, overwhelmed, confused, alone. I would say most people have at one time or another felt one of these emotions. We all have our place (experiences), and I am sure we have all felt lost in those places. I have. It's so easy to feel lost but how easy is it to feel found? That has been my journey thus far, is to feel that I matter, to feel that my trials aren't a form of punishment but a tool for me to find my way so that I can truly find "My Place" in this life and the next. I hope that all of you, some of you, or even just one of you want to come with me and we can find our places together because at the end of it that's what God intended for us to do. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gnIZ7RMuLpU

In my place, in my place

Were lines that I couldn't change

I was lost,

I was lost, I was lost

Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed

I was lost,

how long must you wait for it?

 how long must you pay for it?

 how long must you wait for it, oh, for it?

I was scared, I was scared

Tired and under-prepared

But I'll wait for it

If you go, if you go

Leave me down here on my own

Then I'll wait for you, yeah.

how long must you wait for it?

 how long must you pay for it?

how long must you wait for it?

Singing

Please, please, please

Come back and sing to me

To me, to me

Come on and sing it out, now, now

Come on and sing it out to me, me

Come back and sing it

In my place, in my place

Were lines that I couldn't change

And I was lost

Ordinary Miracle

It's not that unusual

When everything is beautiful

It's just another

Ordinary miracle today

The sky knows when it's time to snow

Don't need to teach a seed to grow

It's just another

Ordinary miracle today

Life is like a gift, they say

Wrapped up for you everyday

Open up, and find a way

To give some of your own

Isn't it remarkable?

Like everytime a raindrop falls

It's just another

Ordinary miracle today

The birds in winter have their fling

And always make it home by spring

It's just another

Ordinary miracle today

When you wake up everyday

Please don't throw your dreams away

Hold them close to your heart

'Cause we are all a part

Do you want to see a miracle

It seems so exceptional

That things work out after all

It's just another

Ordinary miracle today

The sun comes out and shines so bright

And disappears again at night

It's just another

Ordinary miracle today

Who doesn't love a little Sarah McLachlan? I used to listen to her for hours when I was in high school.  But for some reason over the years I just lost touch with her music until recently.  I came across this song tonight, this was one of my favorites.  Mostly because of the simplicity of the tone, music and words.  As I was concentrating on the lyrics I was pondering on my own "ordinary miracles" of my life.  I don't believe I have ever thought of my life as seeing any kind of miracles.  I tend to focus on those things which I have lost, never had, or will never have.  I can't say that's really a fun way to live.  But it's been extremely difficult for me to retrain myself to not self reflect in that way.  However when we find the strength to look outside of our self, our pain, and our affliction it can be a very enlightening experience.

Alex's life and death has caused me to really evaluate the purpose of life, or more specifically my life.  I will never find the answers to my burning questions of why I had to endure the death of my first born child, why wasn't he meant to stay, why do other children with this disease manage to survive? Why wasn't the miracle of healing granted to him when it's granted to so many others? Our lives are full of unanswered questions.  Sometimes those unanswered questions can be debilitating, frustrating, angering, and often times cause us to feel even more lonely.  

Each of us has our own unique life.  No same two people have the exact same experiences.  In that sense it can make for a lonely existence but if we can truly dig deep within ourselves to find those "ordinary miracles" it helps us to realize our path and life is not lived alone.  The simple miracles of my life are, I have 3 living, beautiful children, a marriage that has been able to survive some unbearable burdens, a chance to know my son: to be there for his first as well as his last breathe. I have an amazing sister who has been my biggest fan and supporter. I possess the knowledge that I am not alone in this life. My list can go on and on.  

The more that I can accept that my life is just ordinary I can try and lift myself out of my unordinary circumstances.  All the troubles, pain, and heartache need to be replaced with gratitude, hope, faith and unfailing love.  I guess the one thing each of us has in common are our possession of "ordinary miracles" and once we can recognize them then we are instantly given the power to carry out our dreams, to live the life that was meant for each of us. Mistakes of course will be made, but we can take comfort in knowing "that things worked out after all." Life is an experience, we get one shot at it, and therefore I am slowly learning to cherish it rather than curse it.  Life truly is a gift "wrapped up for us everyday" and I have finally figured out that the only way I can enjoy my gift is to give myself back to my life.  Please go and find your own "ordinary miracles" and enrich your life and the lives of those around you.

Ordinary Miracle (click link for song)