The moments following Alex's descent back to Heaven are embedded in my mind forever. I remember screaming in disbelief of what I just witnessed. I remember Cliff rocking and holding Alex for about an hour after, he didn't want to let go. I could barely muster a glance at his lifeless body. I remember our long quiet walk back to our empty car and car seat and the incredibly long, silent drive home. I remember the complete and utter feeling of loneliness. We have all experienced loneliness at one time or another but this was beyond the typical everyday loneliness. I actually felt physical pain. My heart shattered and I could barely see through my thousands of tears that covered my entire body. That kind of pain, emptiness and loneliness is something that I never ever want to experience again and I hope and pray no one else has to either.
We had so much outpouring of love and support it was truly humbling. I have kept every single card that was sent, every piece of momento that was given. In that box lies the poem "Footprints in the Sand." I had read that poem before as a young girl, so I knew what it was, but I reread it again and honestly it kind of made me mad because I was thinking "how can anyone understand what this feels like, it's so easy to say that I am not alone, but at that moment I was or at least it felt like it." Grief masks and covers everything in our daily life. It leaves you feeling hopeless, lonely, aching, wandering, grasping. So once my body finally gave into my weariness I believe The Lord new the only way he could try to break through my grief was while I was sleeping. I don't remember exactly the time frame, but it was within a month after Alex died and I had a dream of twins. In the dream I couldn't see the genders but I felt so much peace and love and happiness. I remember Alex being in the background but I could never see him or his face but I knew he was there. When I woke up, I told Cliff I had a dream of twins and he said "that is so funny because a few days ago I had a dream of twins, but didn't think to say anything." So we both just paused for a second and then just said, "huh." As the moment passed the grief came back and my new empty life had started again. I went from full time mom, nurse, doctor, etc to nothing. I just sat at home lost and lonely, day after day. But that dream would come to my mind every now and then.
We moved to San Antonio Texas in June of that year (4 months after Alex died) for Cliff to attend dental school. Just when I didn't think I could feel more lost and empty we moved to a place we did not know a single soul. Talk about the nail in the coffin. It was SO hard for Cliff and me. Looking back Cliff and say that we should have taken the year to grieve, but we didn't and we pushed forward with life. I was able to find a teaching job 2 weeks after we moved. I couldn't believe it. What a blessing that was because it gave me something in my life to focus on and it introduced me to some awesome people who helped me through the toughest year of my life. But even being busy teaching and coaching the 7th grade girls athletics, my desire to be a mom was consuming my every thought. You can't go from mom to "unmom" it's unnatural and irreplaceable. When Cliff and I decided to start thinking of having another baby we did so with much thought and prayer. We had so many concerns and reservations and doubts, but ultimately we decided to go forward in faith and see what would happen. We ended up pregnant not long after and we joked around that it could be twins. For the first time since Alex's death we had something to live for, to be excited about, something to keep us going. When I got to my first appointment, I had to inform the doctor and nurse of my prior history. There was not a dry eye in the room, and so with that the doctor proceeded with the sonogram. She turned on the machine and quickly got a little twinkle in her eyes and looked at me and asked, "now where is your husband again?" And I retold her he was in class or taking a test, I don't remember now which it was. She just stood there quietly and I said its twins isn't it? And with a big grin, she acknowledged that it was. Again the tears flew out of me, the doctor and the nurse. I felt the spirit so strong in that doctors office, as if it was reminding me of that dream I had 9 months before. I can't deny that my Heavenly Father was preparing me for that moment, a moment he knew would help me in my grief, a moment he knew exactly what would save me from despair. As I was driving home, that poem entered my thoughts and now I was finally ready to accept that I truly was not alone. I had never been alone, even though it might have felt like it.
From that day on my pain was lifted just a tiny bit from my soul. My days seemed a little brighter and my step became a little quicker. Then the time came when my arms were not only full but overflowing. I was a mother once again, and I could have not asked for a better way to do so. My grief for the first time became second in my life and in a way it was liberating and in a way it was heartbreaking. I didn't want to ever make Alex not matter or unimportant but I also knew I could never move on if I didn't stick that part of my life somewhere else. My Heavenly Father and my Savior knew just what I needed and they kept their promise to always be there and never to let me walk alone and this was their way of showing me their everlasting presence in my life. I know it was not by accident I had my twins. I know they were a gift sent to me to help me in my life, to remind me of the goodness and happiness and mercy that can be had despite despair and heartache. I know that if I am not walking alone, neither is anyone else. And if you are feeling lonely and weary I urge you to find a way to prove he is beside you and you will find your proof, I promise you!
These are the words from a song Leona Lewis sings based off of the "Footprint" poem. I heard it a few months ago and it just brought back all of my memories that I just shared, and I appreciate this opportunity to be able to share my experiences with anyone willing to listen (or read). Thank you for taking the time out of your day to care about mine.
You walked with me
Footprints in the sand
And helped me understand
Where I'm going
You walked with me
When I was all alone
With so much unknown
Along the way
Then I heard you say
I PROMISE YOU
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand
I see my life
Flash across the sky
So many times have I been so afraid
And just when I
I thought I'd lost my way
You gave me strength to carry on
That's when I heard you say
I PROMISE YOU
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
And I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand
When I'm weary
Well I know you'll be there
And I can feel you
When you say
I PROMISE YOU
Oh, I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sadness and despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand
When your heart is full of sadness and despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand
Beautiful post!
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