I have never been musical but have always connected deeply with songs, lyrics, instruments, rhythm and pretty much anything that encompasses the art of music. My sister always found a little amazement that there are few songs that come on the radio that I don't somehow know some, if not all the lyrics.
So I hope you can bear with me with yet another song analogy. I have always loved the song "True Colors." I love most versions that are out there. At first, I just loved the melody and tone, but now as I seem to pay more attention to the words behind all these songs that I have grown up to love this particular song reminds me so much of myself. I envision myself standing in a big mirror singing this song back to myself. I am sure that sounds a little disturbing but I am nearly 33 years old and my last decade of life has been contemplating life, myself, choices I have made, experiences I have lived through, the person I am. I have never been one to ever look upon myself with much confidence, hope, love and understanding.
When my Alex looked upon me for the first time I felt those insecurities fade. All of a sudden I had someone look upon me as if I was the best thing in the whole world, almost like a super hero of sorts. What an ego boost for me! Of course It was as if God sent his love down through the eyes of my Alex.
As soon as Alex was diagnosed my view of myself deflated, as if I was getting something that I deserved. Why did I think I deserved despair, pain and fear? I can't explain why, only that I guess I just never thought happiness was something I was supposed to be part of. I felt it for a few moments in my life, but it always seemed to somehow become tainted. Alex's illness was just another reminder that happiness was never meant for me. Handing Alex over the surgeons for the very first time felt like I was handing over every piece of myself. What little love I had for myself, and every piece of purpose I had found walked away in that moment.
While waiting for his surgery to be done this song kept coming to mind. 9 years ago when those words were being repeated in my mind I was singing them to my Alex. I knew and understood that Alex's road in life was going to be challenging and different. 1 and 25,000 babies born have this disease. The odds were not in his favor. What kind of life would my boy have with a disease that was so rare he probably would never meet anyone who had it. Of course at that time there was no Facebook or much social media.
You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there
And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
I thought one day Alex would have a chance to hear these lyrics and find a little comfort and think of me as if I were singing those words (to bad my singing voice sounds worse than a 5 year old or else maybe I would have sung it to him). Anyway I guess we all know that he never had the chance or needed the chance to hear these words.
I heard that song sung on the Voice the other day and reminded me of that infamous day of surgery, how my hopes and dreams for Alex were short lived. But as I pondered on those words again 9 years later my heart taught me that I should have been singing those words to myself this entire time. Alex never needed those words, because he knew who he was and where he was going. He had so much wisdom and foresight that even I can't comprehend or explain it. But he just did. That final hug he gave me was all the proof I need to know that he has and will always be light years ahead of me. Cliff and I don't have one picture of Alex where he was not smiling. He would be screaming or crying and as soon as the camera came out he smiled and then went right back to where he left off. I always thought wow this kid just loves the camera, but after his death I was going through all the photos we had of him it occurred to me that he smiled all those hundred of times not because he loved the camera but because he loved me, because he didn't want us to be reminded of our sadness or pain.
What a boy I had! So selfless and so close to God. I wish I was like him but for so long after his death I wasn't able to find my "true colors," for so long I had such "sad eyes, such discouragement, I lost sight of it all and let the darkness inside of me make me feel small." Who was I? Who am I? As I had said in another post, it has taken nearly a decade for me to come to an understanding of my life as a grieving mother, normal mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt etc. Alex has helped me all these years to find myself beyond his death. It took me coming to Colorado and a crewing some other trials to finally see what my life is, and what I have and who I am. I have had some great friends, an amazing sister, and loving husband and parents to continue to help me along this path of discovery. I am not just a person who lost a child, but a woman who has overcome and continues to overcome the challenges of life, but who has also partaken some very happy moments despite my sad eyes. I can't ever hide those, just like I can't hide that they are the color green. And for so long I thought i had to hide from myself, from my grief, my disappointment. Now I know I can embrace it, share it, and deal with it. I can have a life with meaning, happiness and lots of love and joy. My 3 kids are LIVING examples of my happiness and that I DO deserve it. Everything Cliff and I are working towards is so that we can one day look back in 50 years and tell our grand children that we lived a great and blessed life. And we can also tell them that we lived with sadness too. You can live with BOTH.
My Savior and Alex are who I "call up" and "I know they will be there." They saw my true colors long before I did. I personally might not be as beautiful as a rainbow but for the first time in my life I see that my life is that beautiful. So please don't be afraid to show your true colors, no matter how happy or sad, or discouraged you might be. You will be loved and are loved no matter what and I hope I can exemplify that to you; to my friends, to my family, to my neighbors, but most importantly to myself.
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