Birth of an Angel

This day 11 years ago I embarked on a journey that I had no idea the destination I or Alex were headed towards.  Thinking of the person I was so long ago, waiting for my arms to wrap around my first child is hard to imagine. I was so young, inexperienced, naive, innocent and unscathed. My outlook on life was so pure and wholesome. I never really took the time to look at life and really what it was all about.

When I became a mom, I thought my heart was going to leap out of my body.  To see Alex for the first time was like taking a peak into all the goodness and love that heaven has prepared for us.  I had never felt more love for something then I did in that moment.  And I knew Alex loved Cliff and me just as much.  That is the wonderful gift of children and being parents, that ability to change our heart and our lives in a nano second and at any age or time in our life.

I have found it so interesting that the last few years people have had this fascination with recreating memories from the past. You might see bags of potato chips packaged with their old "classic" labels or vintage soda cans or bottles that looked like the did in the 50's.  And more recently, old tv shows or movies are getting "reboots."  I would just roll my eyes when another reboot would come out because in my mind I am thinking, are there just no knew innovative ideas out there?  But as I thought more about it, its not that there are no knew ideas but what people want is to recreate memories and feelings they had years prior.  People want to transfer themselves back to a time when life felt good, innocent, untainted.  The older we get we understand that time slips from our fingertips and never looks back, so I think giving a "rebirth" to the things from our past is about the only way people know how to stop time for a moment.

Today is that day for me, a moment in time that will always stand still.  A time when I can think of Alex's birth and not his liver disease or all of his surgeries or even his death.  On this day, his belly was unscarred, his liver was working and I got to hold him with no thoughts of death or pain.  This is how I want to remember him, in his purest form.  And there is nothing I can do to "reboot" it or recreate it.

Now if we fast forward to the present, there is a reason why 99% of those tv roots or movies don't last long, and why people tend to buy the more modern looking cans of coke and bags of chips.  Because those memories and feelings we have in the past can never be recreated or copied or relived.  Thats what makes them so special.  Now we might have bought those vintage sodas or the "classic" bags of chips once or watched a few episodes of the tv "reboot" or went to the theater to give the revamped movie a try, but at the end of it we realize that we don't need our old memories to be replaced or redirected.  We need them right where they are and our new memories need to encompass our old ones.  Thats how we build, learn and grow.

The birth of the twins was an amazing and healing experience for me and Dayley's birth was like finally being able to close that window that had been stuck for years. And with each experience I have with my kids,  it has never taken away or replaced my memories or experiences with Alex.  I finally realized that all my memories and love and time I get to spend with my 3 kids doesn't take away from my Alex but merely it adds to it.  There is no doubt our family has an empty spot.  We all feel it.  But Alex is there filling those spots everyday with the memories he left behind.

There are no words to ever express my deepest pain or grief but there are also no words to describe how I feel about my son and the angel that he was and is in my life.  Today is hard, its a day that I love and hate.  Its a day that is never the same each year, but at least today is a day both Alex and I have the same memory of what it was like to meet each other for the very first time.  It was magical and even more magical as time goes on.  The love between Alex, Cliff and me is sacred and special and a love that only the three of us share.  Alex is my strength and he is my "classic" memory.  Today is a day that I never want to change or recreate or wish away.  I love Alex for everything that he was and everything that he still is.  I will never wish him back and I will never wish him away.  God gave me Alex and Alex gave me God.  I see God so differently now and my understanding of life is clearer and more directed.  I understand that when God gives us miracles its not because he heard our prayers but because we heard his! Alex is where he is because he is greater then I could ever imagine.  I always wanted a child who could change the world but I never understood that the world that needed changing was my own.

Happy Birthday Alex, and I hope you are able to celebrate your life with all those family and friends who love you both in heaven and earth.

WHAT WE AINT GOT

As I have pondered what to say on Alex's angel anniversary, Feb 12, I heard a song on the radio that almost nailed what I was feeling on that infamous day. 9 years ago, I held my baby for the very last time, I whispered in his ear my final words I could ever speak to him on earth. How does a mom reflect on such a day without thinking "I wish I had him back." Actually I WANT him back.  But those thoughts and feelings don't do anyone any good, but for the first time I am not going to apologize for not being ok with Gods will.  I do wish him back, I want all my kids surrounding me.  I want my piece of me returned.  I want my will to be Gods will.  But we all know if that was the case then what would we need God for? We would have it all figured out all on our own.

The song "What we Ain't Got" by Jake Owens sums up what many people in life experience, I dare say most everyone.  Who doesn't want something that they don't have? A woman who can't have kids wants kids, a woman who can't stop having kids, her husband wishes she would;) We have a minivan but want an SUV, Our husband works too hard, or not hard enough.  A mother who gave birth to 4 children but only 3 lived, wants her 4th back. I wish I could say our wants will one day end, but they won't. I wish I could say that if Alex were here with me my world would be complete but would it really? And it wouldn't for one reason, we don't realize what we have until we don't have it anymore. If I have never had to feel the deepest of grief I don't know who or what I would be.  I would like to think a normal everyday mom raising all of her children but I can't say for sure.  I do know that something else would find its way in to cause a void or interruption in my life.  No one is free of errors, trials, struggles, problems, failures and harsh reality. The question is how do we accept and accelerate in life? How do we take those problems of life and turn them into or find a resolution? How do we open the door that has been closed for so long that the thought of what's behind it is so scary we just continue to walk past it daily? I have yet to meet anyone who likes pain and hurt.  So what's the natural thing to do? Avoid and think everyone else has it better. If I only had.....

I bought a memory scrapbook a few weeks after Alex died, with the intentions when I was ready I would fill it. Well it's all still in a box unopened and untouched.  The thought of siting down and filing it with what I have left of him kills me to even think about, and yet my kids have begged me to do scrapbooks so they can look at Alex whenever they want. Why can't I bring myself to do it? Why are we afraid of the unknown reaction, the unknown pain.  Pain is just the gateway to healing and we all want to heal from our wounds and sickness but no one wants to endure the process God has intended to achieve it.

It's my goal that by this time next year on Alex's 10 year anniversary I will have that done. This process of grief doesn't happen over night, or in 5 years 10 years, it's continual, never ending. All of our lives are lived without many resolutions but we can exercise our resilience. God has given us the greatest gift he could and that's the power to heal.  All of us have that power within ourselves to heal from our afflictions whatever they may be.  Sometimes it's physical healing, but in a greater scheme he has given us an agent to help empower us and that's a hope and faith in those things we can't see.  A hope that there is more to this life then we can ever understand and a faith in our Savior who has paved a road that would otherwise be very rocky and painful. When I think of Alex I have no doubts he is supposed to be where he is, loving and teaching those who need him, but I will always want "what I ain't got" but it's up to me to be ok with that. I am ok that I get envious of those families who sit with their 4 kids at church, whose boy is 10 and in 4th grade, who plays soccer and goes on campouts  with his dad.  I am human and I am humble enough to say I don't understand but it's not my time to understand and it's not my purpose.  I know God understands my pain and I know he has tried in hundreds of ways to ease it.  I have accepted some and have probably rejected too many. But he never stops trying.  And I will one day get what I want but it will take lots of time and countless hours of patience.  The best things in life are worth waiting for. 

Those of you who want "what we ain't got" just think of all those things you do have and kiss them, hold them, cherish them, love them, visit them, but most importantly follow him in all things. The only thing we take from this life is our relationships and our memories, so my advice is to make the best of what do got.

WHAT WE AINT GOT (click here)

We all want what we ain't got,
Our favorite doors are always locked.
On a higher hill with a taller top,
We all want what we ain't got.

We ain't happy where we are,
There's greener grass in the neighbors yard.
A bigger house and a faster car,
We ain't happy where we are.

All I want is what I had,
I'll trade it all just to get her (him) back.
She's (he's) moving on, but I guess I'm not
We all want what we ain't got

We all wish it didn't hurt,
When you try your best and it doesn't work.
And goodbye's such a painful word,
We all wish it didn't hurt.

All I want is what I had,
I'd trade it all just to get her (him) back.
She's (he's) moving on, but I guess I'm not.
We all want what we ain't got

I wanted the world until my whole world stopped,
You know a love like that ain't easily forgot.
I guess we all want what we ain't got.
Yeah, we all want what we ain't got.

Who you'd be today

I started writing this post way back on Memorial day but never finished. I guess this post was meant to be shared in honor of Alex's birthday, which was December 18, 2004.  This year marked his big 10.  I thought as time would pass so would the pain and grief I would feel and yet as the saying goes "distance can make the heart grow fonder or make it wander." For me there is no question its "fonder." The distance that has been placed on me and Alex at times seems cruel and at times it feels like nothing.  Was Alex here? Is Alex really gone? These are my most conflicted and tormented questions.  Death and life are two interconnected parts of every existence and yet over the hundreds of millions of years there is only one person who has mastered them both.  I wish I could say I have mastered grief, but I am still a lowly apprentice and a terrible one at that.  Mickie mouse is a better apprentice.

I was struggling for 7 months to find the right words to try and comfort a friend I knew whose husband passed away.  My mind was blank and my pen was still as the words never came.  9 years I have had to find the right words and yet I render speechless. I feel so cheated out of raising my son that sometimes when I see a 10 year old my heart just fills with jealousy and envy.  Why Alex and not them? Why any child? Why me? I used to feel guilty for feeling this way but I decided that I can't be alone in these thoughts.  I can't be the only mother who doesn't find comfort in her child being in heaven and not in her arms, or can I?
I have heard all the things that can be said about better places, where he needs to be and we will understand the meaning of all things someday, and yet those just seem like empty promises, words spoken from people who have no clue, or do they?

None of us are masters of anything because no one will ever obtain perfection.  Some might be closer then others but still not perfect.  Then why do we all try and act like we have the perfect answer or the perfect knowledge or the perfect response?  Why do we feel that there is this perfect way of doing certain things in certain situations?  I think because I am Mormon and since we believe families are eternal and death is not the end, I should just move on and accept death and be at peace.  And I did for many years, just kind of plugged along and accepted it.  Until one day it didn't seem good enough, my pain grew too much and I wasn't okay with what happened, I am not okay with what happened, but it happened.  I had no choice and no vote, or did I? God chose for me and for Alex, or did he?

Now I am not saying all these things to lead anyone to believing I am an atheist or anything.  But I want people to understand that in our lives, our pain and hurt, our joys and happiness mold us into who we are.  Its okay to not understand things and its okay to not be okay.  I have accepted Alex's death a long time ago but I am not happy about it.  I don't rejoice in it.  And for some mothers who have lost a child might have opposing feelings and that is absolutely ok.  If you find peace and comfort in your child or loved one in heaven then I applaud and admire that conviction.  I am certainly glad Alex never had to live a long life of pain and suffering.  I am actually grateful for many things that have come from that experience.  But it still does not change the fact that Alex's birthday was spent with unlit candles and his stocking at Christmas hung empty.

My dad summed it up the best when I talked with him on his birthday. When Alex's spirit left, he took with him a part of mine.  I know he is holding onto that little part of me and waiting to give it back.  I just know and understand that I have much to do and learn before I am ready and prepared to receive it back.

Kenny Chesney released this song "Who You'd be Today" in 2005.  I remember hearing it right before Alex died, I heard it in the car and I just started balling because I knew I was going to face the death of Alex (at that point I didn't know when) and I knew this song was going to somehow have meaning in my life, and well I guess we all know what happened.  I have played this song every birthday and death day since and it never gets easier to listen to and never gets old.
But this last time while listening to the song, instead of trying to envision what Alex would look like, or talk like, or be like, I started to think about who "I" would be today.  Who would I be today without Alex.  Who would I be today without death.  I don't know the answer but I decided I don't want to know. Alex gave me so much more then just awesome smiles and forever hugs.  He gave me a reason to think, to ponder to question.  He gave me a reason to strive to understand and KNOW things I would have never tried to know.  He gave me, ME. That is who I am today, just me.  And I hope after you read or listen to this song you will discover who you are today.  Discover why you are who you are and keep moving forward and recognize that all of our life experiences, good, bad, beautiful and ugly are all part of us.  And all we can do is be the best version of our molded selves and share that with all we come in contact with because I can guarantee, you are you for a reason, for a purpose but most of all for yourself.
 

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go

I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
I still can't believe you're gone

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies?

Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday

 Our last family photo

 Alex's first birthday

Alex being a little stinker because he knew he wasn't supposed to touch the ornaments 

Who You'd be Today