Wintersong

Its hard to believe 12 years ago today i was in the hospital in small town Idaho waiting to meet my first child. Twelve years has certainly brought an endless amount of life experience all wrapped up into a little boy named Alexander Pierce Luff. I remember when Alex's original due date was Dec 23 (which is also my grandmas birthday) I remember feeling so bad that his birthday was going to fall so close to Christmas. Then he arrived a few days early and now his birthday falls exactly a week from Christmas and I couldn't be more grateful to have it during this time of year.  Now instead of getting to honor one remarkable birth I get to honor two.  Two men who I have tried for 12 years to get to know and to understand and to love.  

Alex has caused me to reflect on the ever burning desire to answer the eternal question of "what is the purpose of life?" Billions of people for billions of years have pondered this age old question. Since watching the birth and then death of my son I have endlessly scoured for an understanding and fulfilling my personal duty to answer this. 

I would sit and wonder for hours what was the purpose for Alex to come here and melt my heart to then turn that melting heart to badly burned resemblance of something that used to be untainted. Why would God ever want such pain and suffering.  There was so much hope in my eyes when Alex was born. So much I dreamed for his future.  His purpose......was to then just die? 

Of course the answer would be no.  My simple and humble conclusion to this everlasting question has not been earth shattering but it has certainly made me look at how I live my life much differently.  No Alex's purpose wasn't to just live, have a liver disease and then die. Alex's purpose is forever going to be what people make it to be. What I make it to be but ultimately what he makes it to be. 

My purpose isn't to just be a mother in mourning but merely to make a purpose for myself that embodies all of those things in which my life has endured.  My purpose and your purpose in life will be whatever we choose to do, how we choose to act and how we choose to live.  

We weren't sent here to fulfill a purpose but rather we were sent here to make a purpose!

On this day 12 years ago I chose to fulfill my purpose to become a mom and took I on all the good, bad, ugly and beautiful sides of that. 

My purpose is to always remember the birth of two men who have fulfilled their purpose in life with much love, grace and strength. 

My purpose is to always cherish the blessings I have while embracing the trials that are continually birthed into our lives. 

Happy Birthday to one of my greatest purposes in my life! Love you little Alex

Like most of my posts I have a song attached at the bottom that I love to play when I am thinking of Alex.....I really wish I was talented enough to write and create these beautiful songs but at least there are plenty of talented musicians so I can at least enjoy their creations. 

WINTERSONG (LINK)

 by Sarah McLachlan 

The lake is frozen over
The trees are white with snow
And all around reminders of you
Are everywhere I go

It's late and morning's in no hurry
But sleep won't set me free
I lie awake and try to recall
How your body felt beside me
When silence gets too hard to handle
And the night too long

This is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by
Oh I miss you now, my love
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas, my love

Sense the joy fills the air

And I daydream and I stare
Up at the tree and I see
Your star up there

This is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by