When I became a mom, I thought my heart was going to leap out of my body. To see Alex for the first time was like taking a peak into all the goodness and love that heaven has prepared for us. I had never felt more love for something then I did in that moment. And I knew Alex loved Cliff and me just as much. That is the wonderful gift of children and being parents, that ability to change our heart and our lives in a nano second and at any age or time in our life.
I have found it so interesting that the last few years people have had this fascination with recreating memories from the past. You might see bags of potato chips packaged with their old "classic" labels or vintage soda cans or bottles that looked like the did in the 50's. And more recently, old tv shows or movies are getting "reboots." I would just roll my eyes when another reboot would come out because in my mind I am thinking, are there just no knew innovative ideas out there? But as I thought more about it, its not that there are no knew ideas but what people want is to recreate memories and feelings they had years prior. People want to transfer themselves back to a time when life felt good, innocent, untainted. The older we get we understand that time slips from our fingertips and never looks back, so I think giving a "rebirth" to the things from our past is about the only way people know how to stop time for a moment.
Today is that day for me, a moment in time that will always stand still. A time when I can think of Alex's birth and not his liver disease or all of his surgeries or even his death. On this day, his belly was unscarred, his liver was working and I got to hold him with no thoughts of death or pain. This is how I want to remember him, in his purest form. And there is nothing I can do to "reboot" it or recreate it.
Now if we fast forward to the present, there is a reason why 99% of those tv roots or movies don't last long, and why people tend to buy the more modern looking cans of coke and bags of chips. Because those memories and feelings we have in the past can never be recreated or copied or relived. Thats what makes them so special. Now we might have bought those vintage sodas or the "classic" bags of chips once or watched a few episodes of the tv "reboot" or went to the theater to give the revamped movie a try, but at the end of it we realize that we don't need our old memories to be replaced or redirected. We need them right where they are and our new memories need to encompass our old ones. Thats how we build, learn and grow.
The birth of the twins was an amazing and healing experience for me and Dayley's birth was like finally being able to close that window that had been stuck for years. And with each experience I have with my kids, it has never taken away or replaced my memories or experiences with Alex. I finally realized that all my memories and love and time I get to spend with my 3 kids doesn't take away from my Alex but merely it adds to it. There is no doubt our family has an empty spot. We all feel it. But Alex is there filling those spots everyday with the memories he left behind.
There are no words to ever express my deepest pain or grief but there are also no words to describe how I feel about my son and the angel that he was and is in my life. Today is hard, its a day that I love and hate. Its a day that is never the same each year, but at least today is a day both Alex and I have the same memory of what it was like to meet each other for the very first time. It was magical and even more magical as time goes on. The love between Alex, Cliff and me is sacred and special and a love that only the three of us share. Alex is my strength and he is my "classic" memory. Today is a day that I never want to change or recreate or wish away. I love Alex for everything that he was and everything that he still is. I will never wish him back and I will never wish him away. God gave me Alex and Alex gave me God. I see God so differently now and my understanding of life is clearer and more directed. I understand that when God gives us miracles its not because he heard our prayers but because we heard his! Alex is where he is because he is greater then I could ever imagine. I always wanted a child who could change the world but I never understood that the world that needed changing was my own.
Happy Birthday Alex, and I hope you are able to celebrate your life with all those family and friends who love you both in heaven and earth.
