Who you'd be today

I started writing this post way back on Memorial day but never finished. I guess this post was meant to be shared in honor of Alex's birthday, which was December 18, 2004.  This year marked his big 10.  I thought as time would pass so would the pain and grief I would feel and yet as the saying goes "distance can make the heart grow fonder or make it wander." For me there is no question its "fonder." The distance that has been placed on me and Alex at times seems cruel and at times it feels like nothing.  Was Alex here? Is Alex really gone? These are my most conflicted and tormented questions.  Death and life are two interconnected parts of every existence and yet over the hundreds of millions of years there is only one person who has mastered them both.  I wish I could say I have mastered grief, but I am still a lowly apprentice and a terrible one at that.  Mickie mouse is a better apprentice.

I was struggling for 7 months to find the right words to try and comfort a friend I knew whose husband passed away.  My mind was blank and my pen was still as the words never came.  9 years I have had to find the right words and yet I render speechless. I feel so cheated out of raising my son that sometimes when I see a 10 year old my heart just fills with jealousy and envy.  Why Alex and not them? Why any child? Why me? I used to feel guilty for feeling this way but I decided that I can't be alone in these thoughts.  I can't be the only mother who doesn't find comfort in her child being in heaven and not in her arms, or can I?
I have heard all the things that can be said about better places, where he needs to be and we will understand the meaning of all things someday, and yet those just seem like empty promises, words spoken from people who have no clue, or do they?

None of us are masters of anything because no one will ever obtain perfection.  Some might be closer then others but still not perfect.  Then why do we all try and act like we have the perfect answer or the perfect knowledge or the perfect response?  Why do we feel that there is this perfect way of doing certain things in certain situations?  I think because I am Mormon and since we believe families are eternal and death is not the end, I should just move on and accept death and be at peace.  And I did for many years, just kind of plugged along and accepted it.  Until one day it didn't seem good enough, my pain grew too much and I wasn't okay with what happened, I am not okay with what happened, but it happened.  I had no choice and no vote, or did I? God chose for me and for Alex, or did he?

Now I am not saying all these things to lead anyone to believing I am an atheist or anything.  But I want people to understand that in our lives, our pain and hurt, our joys and happiness mold us into who we are.  Its okay to not understand things and its okay to not be okay.  I have accepted Alex's death a long time ago but I am not happy about it.  I don't rejoice in it.  And for some mothers who have lost a child might have opposing feelings and that is absolutely ok.  If you find peace and comfort in your child or loved one in heaven then I applaud and admire that conviction.  I am certainly glad Alex never had to live a long life of pain and suffering.  I am actually grateful for many things that have come from that experience.  But it still does not change the fact that Alex's birthday was spent with unlit candles and his stocking at Christmas hung empty.

My dad summed it up the best when I talked with him on his birthday. When Alex's spirit left, he took with him a part of mine.  I know he is holding onto that little part of me and waiting to give it back.  I just know and understand that I have much to do and learn before I am ready and prepared to receive it back.

Kenny Chesney released this song "Who You'd be Today" in 2005.  I remember hearing it right before Alex died, I heard it in the car and I just started balling because I knew I was going to face the death of Alex (at that point I didn't know when) and I knew this song was going to somehow have meaning in my life, and well I guess we all know what happened.  I have played this song every birthday and death day since and it never gets easier to listen to and never gets old.
But this last time while listening to the song, instead of trying to envision what Alex would look like, or talk like, or be like, I started to think about who "I" would be today.  Who would I be today without Alex.  Who would I be today without death.  I don't know the answer but I decided I don't want to know. Alex gave me so much more then just awesome smiles and forever hugs.  He gave me a reason to think, to ponder to question.  He gave me a reason to strive to understand and KNOW things I would have never tried to know.  He gave me, ME. That is who I am today, just me.  And I hope after you read or listen to this song you will discover who you are today.  Discover why you are who you are and keep moving forward and recognize that all of our life experiences, good, bad, beautiful and ugly are all part of us.  And all we can do is be the best version of our molded selves and share that with all we come in contact with because I can guarantee, you are you for a reason, for a purpose but most of all for yourself.
 

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go

I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
I still can't believe you're gone

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies?

Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday

 Our last family photo

 Alex's first birthday

Alex being a little stinker because he knew he wasn't supposed to touch the ornaments 

Who You'd be Today