A few months ago, I had what some might say "a nervous breakdown." I am not proud of it but I am not above admitting to it either. Cliff and I decided to move to Denver for a job opportunity we thought was advantageous. The job he had been working in Texas was fine, but we wanted to try and get more west and we always thought it would be awesome to live in Colorado. As Cliff was transitioning out of Texas we had planned for him to work both jobs for a few months. What we thought was only going to be a 1-2 month commute turned out to be more like 7. And to make matters worse the job he had here pretty much reared that it was not a good fit for Cliff, so he was spending weeks in Texas while the family and I lived in CO for really no reason (he quit is CO job). Living in Colorado was great, but living without a husband and uncertain future not so much. When December hit, I believe my threshold of enduring trials came to an ugly head. I was dealing with some awful headaches, Dayley being sick a lot (and I freak out over sick babies)a tooth that had gone bad, kids needing more then just a mom out of her element could give and Alex's 9th birthday. And the list could go on and on.
I have never been one to get headaches but the pain just got worse and worse. I kept believing I had a brain tumor or something because sadly I think in worse case scenario at everything. I was so upset because I kept begging and praying and having blessings to help me overcome the headaches. I was begging for mercy because I had been through so much surely God didn't want me to suffer more. But to no avail the headaches and pressure and pounding increased by the day. I was convinced I had a serious condition. But with Cliff gone and me being alone in CO I truly felt like I had nowhere to turn and didn't know what to do.
That was until one night I literally did not sleep because I was so worried something was wrong, I could barely function. I was up all night crying because I felt I was being punished, because maybe losing Alex wasn't enough suffering, I had to endure more, but why? I am ashamed to admit my little Lexi woke up from hearing me cry and then I just unloaded on my sweet little 6 year old. I was so scared that I turned to my little girl for comfort. What in the world was going on? How did I get to this point?
As I sat on the floor embracing my gift from Heaven a few thoughts came into my mind; ask for help, and have "faith in me." As soon as those thoughts came to me a quiet peace filled my mind for a moment. I reached for my phone and called my neighbors for help, at 6am! Never ever would I do that in my right mind but I felt desperate and minutes before that call I felt alone. But I wasn't really, you see. All those weeks and months I felt alone, and forgotten, cursed, and scared, I had the power all along to wipe all those feelings away, but I lacked "faith in him." My dear friends came to my rescue plus countless more friends. I went to the hospital and a dear friend took me to get an MRI and another took my kids for the night and food was brought in and visits were made, voicemails were left. How could hours before my life seemed so dark and now it was brighter then ever?
My MRI came back normal and I was diagnosed with severe tension headaches. Hmm I guess that's a no brainer looking back. But in times of loneliness and despair our fears take over, we forget all the light that our Savior brings into our lives, despite very hard and difficult challenges.
Up until recently I have allowed Alex's death to symbolize despair, unworthiness, emptiness, punishment, but most of all feeling overwhelmingly unloved. I was asked to endure pain so deep and cutting that a few times I believed that the goodness life had to offer was not for me to taste, touch or feel. I looked around at all the joy everyone else had and only saw my suffering.
But after finding out that I was in fact going to live, I reflected on the first of three prominent dreams I have ever had and have never had again. A few weeks before Alex was born I dreamed I was in a church, not the one we were currently attending but another one I didn't recognize and I was there in black and sad, my hair tied back. There was a little white casket in front of me but it was closed. My Bishop was there along with family and friends. I never saw the child's face but only that I knew it was My child. I told my sister of my disturbing dream and she told me it was normal to have scary dreams like that before a baby was born and she in fact had one about her daughter before her birth. It wasn't of a funeral but of one where she had to choose between the life of her son or the life of her daughter. By her recounting her own dream she was able to calm my anxious fears, convincing me it was "normal paranoia."
Once Alex was born we were relieved his heart and lungs were strong, he was born alive and had all working limbs. He was jaundice, but no matter lots of kids are when they are first born right? After about 3 weeks I had this pressing feeling something was wrong but could not figure it out. His poop looked weird but heck what did I know. I just knew something was off. I can only describe that it was like having a dark cloud hanging over my entire existence for about 6 weeks. I kept calling the doctors and nurses but it was blamed on either my diet, or a virus or acid reflux. It took me 6 weeks to finally get my answers, can't say a liver disease ever popped into my mind as the source however.
When Alex had died and we were making funeral arrangements it took all of 2 minutes because I had already planned it in my mind since the night of my dream. I hadn't thought about the details of my dream since the night it occurred but when we walked into the chapel for his funeral my memories came flooding back. We were at the church that was in my dreams. Our ward had moved buildings a month before his death, but I hadn't thought much of it because we had hardly been to church since they switched. The casket we chose for Alex had this beautiful sparkly white bodice laced with blue trim all around it. It was either that one or a wooden box so our choice was pretty much made for us. And now here I stood in the middle of my dream that I had dismissed as paranoia instead of a premonition. I was sitting in the very spot I saw, my hair was down, but the pearly white casket was ever so still, resting right in front of me. My friends and family encompassed me, our same Bishop presided over the funeral. And now my thoughts focused on the simple truth that this whole time God had planned for that moment. He knew from the beginning this was how it was supposed to play out. I can't deny it. My dream truly reflected my future. As much as I wish my trail with Alex was of a happier nature, I know that one day it will be. I know that my Heavenly Father gave me all those signs leading up to his death, so that at this moment right now I could write and reflect upon it and testify that each and everyone of us has a plan and a path to follow. Some are grander then others, some are happier, brighter and less challenging. But no matter what, we are looked upon and judged upon with the same eyes and hands. All he has asked us to do is "have a little faith in me"
Have a Little Faith by John Hiatt
(I know this was written as a love song but I believe some of the lyrics really do apply to our Savior and Heavenly Father, I did take "baby and darlin" out;)
When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
An' have a little faith in me
An' when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
An' have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
An' when your back's against the wall
Just turn around an' a you will see
I'll be there, I'll be there to catch your fall
So have a little faith in me
Cause I've been loving you for such a long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
'Cause for us there is no end
All you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I will hold you up!
I'm gonna hold you up!
So have a little faith in me
All I want you to do for me tonight
All you gotta do is justa have a little faith in me
All you gotta do is justa have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
